I feel like there's a gaping hole through me.
And he didn't even ask. To be fair, I told him the initial reasons why I felt crap. Maybe he thought that was all there was to it.
I guess he doesn't realise that there's so much I can't tell that I can't tell him; so much that he won't want to hear but I desperately need to talk to someone about. What Charli doesn't realise is that by calling me a slag and talking about Alec, she opened old scars. Now I just remember how much that Alec thing hurt. He kept pressuring me into loving him. Then I dived in, in the words of Taylor Swift "Head First Fearless" and it got me the most hurt that I've ever been. Every day, almost, he would ask if he was "number one" in all these different things... and as soon as I said that yes, he was, the "distance got too much", or whatever. Then I let myself hurt for two whole days. Then, despite feeling like I had been used for my body and a knowledge that he was "the best", I threw myself at other guys, only one of which I knew. Then dated the one I knew and he treated me like a friend. I wish I still had him, he was such a good friend. He was so lovely and so there for me. I ruined that. It's never been the same since and it never will be, between us. I'm almost glad that I found out about Jamie and had a bit of a breakdown. It did at least mean that I spent some time single. Admittedly, it didn't go well (see Harry Hogge for further details), but there we go. It's an experience. It's made me not trust myself, though. And kinda hate myself.
What didn't help was Dan Nisbet. He decided to blame me for almost everything going wrong in his life. He ranted at me, telling me how shit I am and how great he is, until 3am when I had a 7am start. I don't know why I stayed up. I stayed up that late talking to Alec once, but that's different.
Why do I seem to do nothing but let people who screw me over into my life?
It doesn't help anything that now there is this void, elephant in the room, when me and my mum are together. We're not talking. We're both on our computers and we don't listen to each other when we're talking. I told her about my day and she didn't listen. So I stopped.
Urgh.
Good old Carolina; she's listening now. And I know that she'll tell Chris anything that he should know. It's good to have friends who know both sides of the story, so to speak, sometimes.
