i miss you i want you i cant say i love you

Re-reading my blog posts from when I blogged most; when I was with Jack. I got really messed up around that time. It's a lot easier, better, more enjoyable now. Everything's less serious. I rushed my feelings so much. I took the feelings which everyone feels at the begining of a relationship - the strong "oh my god i can't get enough of you" feelings, and magnified them; used words - too many words - to try and explain them. That's why I won't say "I love you" to Alec. I can't say that and regret it, or change it, or anything... if, later, I still feel like this, then it'll be different. It'll be better. It'll be real.

What I did before was say it because I was used to it. That's never a good idea. I'm very glad I didn't say it to Connor. Because I didn't. Like really, really didn't. I thought he was good looking so I went for him becasue it was easy, fun, relaxed. Three (or whatever) pretty fun weeks, where we had good conversations and fun, in a couple of ways, haha. When I broke up with him, it was easy, because there was no connection. There was fun and both of us bored of the fun. It was good, it was fun, we were both in the same mind about it so it was easy to have as good and fun. Now, however...I care about Alec. If something went wrong it'd be made slightly more difficult because of our friendship group, but really, nothing is going wrong. It's easy. We're similar in how we've been brought up and our attitudes to quite a few things, and last night I tried to explain that I miss being friends with Alex F and didn't do very well, so we had a bit of a difficult, saddening conversation...which, if we'd been together, we would've wanted the same things afterwards - we would've reacted to getting through it in the same way. I'll leave what the way is to your imagination.

I really like him, though, he's sweet and considerate and makes me smile so much. I worry that he doesn't want me then he says something like "you seemed off today..." which just makes it seem like he does care, but he's worried about crowding me or soemthing. He's so sweet. He makes me smile so much.... I like him. I like him a lot.

I really regret the crap I said to Oli. There was no reason for it, he's a nice person, it was a great first relationship to have, I enjoyed being with him. He was true to me, we got on well, I would still pour my heart out to him if he was listening. He's a good person, I'm ashamed that I started to think anything else. Because it was both of our first relationship he wanted to know how much power he had over me, and all sorts like that, but there we go. I did the same.

My post "Dr Roberts" is a bit crap really. Even when we broke up Oli said we could stay in contact if I texted him first. Which of course I didn't - that was why we broke up (partly)...but still.

"Heavy shit for 6 formal days"

What a bad idea.

Time for me to go meet some people.

I most probably love you; have a nice day; see you Friday? :)