ARGH

Why do i let such insignificant motherfuckers affect me so much?

Millie's a twat which is why I stopped talking to her.

So FUCK HER.

To think that so recently I was happy and peaceful, thinking of doing something like getting loads of people down to St Annes so that I could see them and make peace with them. Fuck that for a load of biscuits.

Jack suggested that to get my mind off this I should go for a walk. But, tbh, there's no point. I went for a ride, which was great, but it's no use. When I come back everything comes crashing down on my shoulders anyway.

Then again maybe i will. (Party i mean).

It's not just Millie who would be there; it'd be a chance to see people I like (esp the ones I like in small doses; perfect for that). I could just invite them all to St Annes and if I get pissed off go talk to someone I know I like; Jack if he's there, Tron if Jack's not...etc.

I wish I was riding again tomorrow. But I have c/w to do so am getting Alice to... but how I want to just go back to Lewes, canter across the downs (let's just imagine that Buzz goes when on his own) and canter away from everything, and into this beautiful serenity.

Hmm

I feel like my mind is completely empty. Not blank, not stupid, just...empty. It's not like I can't think of something. I just can't think of nothing. I feel like cocooning myself and crying and shutting out the bad bits of the world.

why is it that people bitch so much? Why tell someone someone's inner feelings just because they irritated you?

I can't eat my bacon sandwich, it doesn't appeal. Instead I'm pumping myself full of chocolate biscuits and fanta. My kind of alcohol.

I'm going to miss my train.

I am not happy.

A while ago I sent an email to Millie telling her why I was unhappy with her.

It basicalyl said that she was using me because I didn't stand up for myself like her other friends do so she doesn't have the confidence that her other friends will be there for her.

She replied saying the obvious, that it was wrong, and so the conversation continued.

Today I went to Blatch to see Fi, Amy and - as it happened - Sam, Livvie, Jamie and Kelly. Kelly started talking about going to St Anne's, which Amy has started doing. Livvie was nice. Amy said that she knew of the conversation...because she had seen it.

Not only had Millie bitched about me, she had also shown the fucking email to other people.

If I wanted other people to know, I would have written what I said on her wall.

At least I now remember completely why I'm not friends with her any more.

This place.

This world is full of people who use others. And that's that.

I find it slightly depressing how my brother didn't really talk to me then texted me to find out how much a gig was for him.