Sex and Hair.

What I don't understand is why hair products, and beauty products, are sold using the appeal of sex and attracting the opposite sex. You should make yourself feel good and look beautiful so that YOU feel better about YOU, not some other weird way. Sure, it's good to be looked up; it makes you feel even better, but seriously, should that really be the ultimate goal of everything?

It is not bad to be alone. I know I'm not the best person to say that; I've been single in the past three years (ish) for almost two months if you add all the time up collectively, but seriously. Feel good so that when you and your friends go out you're not afraid to laugh; don't act terrified of everything beyond it. It's good and fun to flirt, but looking good only to attract the opposite sex really shouldn't be the ultimate goal.

Here endeth the rant.

My dream last night.

This was weird. Really weird.

It started off me having had sex with Mike (...i think). It was then the last day of school and I was sitting on a bus, probably on a school trip, next to someone I can't remember, talking. There was a part of the journey that we both loved so we were talking about it and getting all excited. We then got to school and I was taking photos with Millie. I realised that Jack wouldn't like me taking photos with Millie, so I stopped taking them of her and went for a wander wher eI saw Fi and Amy. Fi on the top of a hill and Amy sitting on it with Nanique; I went past them to get to Fi first. I was then in a classroom and the person from the bus sat next to me so that Carolina wouldn't. I think the room then turned into a bus and I was being really horrible to Carolina and Millie, I tihnk, telling them how I felt and not letting them see my eyes because I covered them with a weird piece of material which I connected between two posts where I was sitting. Then I met Kati and we sat in Churchill Square talking for a bit, then walked to this weird place which seemed to be Jack's but it was strange; there was a building to my left which had a large empty part and stairs which went up on the right. Jack went up there to put alcohol away and I thought I could hear him clanging the bottles about and so forth so I tried to see him, thinking he'd be near, but he wasn't. Opposite there was a little hut thing which was being repainted which Kati and I think Millie (but thin and possibly Swedish looking) who had joined us found fascinating because it wasn't having the colour changed or anything. I tried to tell them that it was being varnished but they ignored me. Jack then came down from his flat and went behind a bush to pee, and me and Kati kept walking. I was looking at that bush for some reason and saw him sitting down with his p-p out and was like "wtf why sit down behind a bush?"

Then I woke up.

Small, well appointed future. Semi detatched.

Today was gay pride and I didn't go.

I didn't go because I didn't want to.

Instead of going I went cycling with dad, which I found highly enjoyable. I then went to Jack's and spent a lot of the time that I was with him crying into his shirt because my mother was making me so fucking miserable.

Because I hadn't been to pride, I wasn't really in the mood for several people to harp on at me about how great it was and how much I missed out on. I personally think that's understandable as it makes for several /very/ uninteresting conversations. So I'm spending tonight at my dad's and am going to go out for a bike ride early tomorrow, before going to London with Jack. That is what I told my mum originally, because it honestly is part of the reason. I told her the whole reason (not being down with being ranted at about what I missed out on), and she started crying on the phone and said "ok, bye".

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.

Jack pointed out that she's more dramatic and emotional because she's been pissed since about 10am, but then speaking to Dad made more sense.

She shows me off.

I am the prize because I am going through conventional schooling in the typical manner and not doing too badly at it. I hope.

Because Pod has done things off his own back and in his own way, and floated around being with people for some times and not for others, he's expected to be like that. I've always been there, or I haven't. I've never left half way through and her being her she probably can't understand why I wouldn't want to go to a day long piss up. Me deciding to sleep at my dad's would've been the worst thing in the world because I'm not being sociable with her friends. Clearly that means I am turning my back on her, her life and everything else to do with her. Even though I specifically asked when she'd be around tomorrow so that I can see her.

that, my friends, is why this well appointed future will be semi detatched. I will be the one detatched from it; attatched only in the way that I have to be there. Well appointed by her, decided and planned perfectly to suit her needs.

I really don't think she cares about my well being; otherwise she might realise that I'm right about Millie, for example. Dad does.

Sometimes I almost - almost - wish that she /would/ move to London.

I can't believe I just said that.

Note To Self

Do these when back on MacC

http://www.selfcreation.com/awareness/selfaware_questions.htm