For ages I've not said what I want to say because I've said it before, in a lot of cases. I've never said "I'll always love you" because I think it curses things. If I say anything like that then it goes wrong, and I believe that too much to say anything like that to you.
But it just feels at the moment like nothing'll change that much. I just can't see it going wrong. The only thing that would be a problem would be me being stupid; and I'm going to avoid that. But since you, I've hardly noticed other people. Not in that way.
WHY DO I FEEL DOWN THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON
I piss myself off too much.
As you've said, I loved Oli. So how do I /really/ know that this isn't the same?
that is the stupidest thing I've said for a very long time.
Come on and show them your love
Rip out the wings of a butterfly
I've saved you my last rolo.
Isn't that what you're meant to do?
Save the last rolo for the one you love.
I didn't bother with Oli: I eat rolos so rarely that I thought "screw him" and enjoyed my last rolo a lot.
Whenever I talk to Kati about my life she basically says that there's not much wrong with it. I know that there's not much wrong with it. I just sometimes randomly become really down. Often late at night; often when not with you; often when I can't think of something to say.
We ran out of conversation topics long ago; probably by half way through March, the ammount we were talking through Febuary.
Right now I want to cling to you. I just want to curl up and feel your arms around me. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
There's no reason.
I feel like I'm seeking attention or something, but I just really don't see why. Or how, seeing as a maximum of three people read this blog, and it's probably actually two and one whenever he's bored and without "cute friends" at his house xP.
I often feel like you're acting around me.
I hate that.
So often you've said that you don't act around me that I've come to think that it's a thing you don't often do - not act, i mean. Then I think of you around so many people. And you don't act. And then I feel less special; more insecure. More insecure because at the moment I have like... 3 people I see. You Kati and Fi. I'm not seeing Kati because I'm going away and I don't think I can make it...I hope I do see Kati. I need to; need to know I can. I feel like I'm cutting myself off (if you're rolling your eyes then bloody stop it - I know that I am and I know why)...and now have no one. No one but you and Kati, and sometimes Fi. Fi is great; a great person. But three people only have their charms.
I feel so fucking hollow.
So, so you think you can tell heavan from hell.
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil;
Do you think you can tell?
I don't think I can live up to my mother's expectations so constantly.
She wants MORE support when she goes back to work. How in hell am I meant to do that on my own? Already I feel weighed down and that's just from clearing the kitchen; loading the dishwasher; emptying the dishwasher; washing what can't go in the dishwasher; drying said items; putting them away; wiping the surfaces; hoovering; cleaning the car's interior...How In Hell Am I Meant To Do More And Still Have Time To Live?
One of the reasons I love cantering Willis - fast - up to the top of Blackcap. A moment in time when there is no one to tell me to do something. I am my own boss and I decide what I want to do. I look out over the houses and imagine the people living, not knowing what they're missing. Those blissful moments of freedom. They are the reasons I am a "happy hacker".
I still want more, though.
I wonder what'll happen come September.
Enjoy your rolos.
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