Explanation Time

Kati this is mostly for you but you're not online so I can't tell you.

As you have obviously noticed I've been cutting myself off from the people I don't like.  That's a lot of people.  The closest people I've had to me for a long time have been you and Jack.  Even though we haven't been close recently, it's weird not saying "oh my best friend.."; even though I know you're still there it feels like you're more distant.  make sense? Probably because it is.

Currently, I am having a conversation on e-mail with Millie, who I have been dodgy friends with for a while.  She can be good but she can be so bad.  By the end of the friendship I had to force myself into the right mood to see her or I would end up disliking the time with her.

Not a good person to spend time with.  The problem is that I can't remember how annyoign she was.

Urrrgh.

I don't know.

I am closing myself off

I am doing it for reasons which are important to me: my happiness; my wellbeing; Jack.

I now have Jack and aquaintances.

THERE IS TOO MUCH HAPPENING

My dad just came in my room and told me that I need to talk to my mum. Fine.  Then he said "give the old bat a slap" as he left. SHE IS MY MOTHER. YES SHE ANNOYS ME BUT SHE IS STILL MY FUCKING MOTHER.

What's more, before -you- say anything, I cannot mention that to my father because i have tried and it has been deemed useless.

That made me unhappy.  Rather unhappy.

It's too much change.

Talking to Seona about horses. Weird.

Cutting out people I don't like.  Less.

I am not used to having so few places to turn to and so few people just with me, spending time with me.  Even when I didn't see people much I spent time talking to them, or something.

Moodchangemeansbye<3

Digital Love

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?

I am currently thinking of one of the first times I heard this song.

We were lying on my bed at my Dad's, and you were mouthing the words.

You wrapped your arms around me.

I love you so much, dammit.

Coming out of my shell.

This post could get personal.

OK.

I'm not going to delete anything that I write here.

If part of your blog /was/ about me, I think you're right.

If it's not then it feels relevant so I'm going to take it as inspiration anyway.

I think you're right.

Now I'm going to try and find out why.

I was going to write this in my personal diary, but I think you have a right to know.

What's been happening recently is I've been cutting the shit people out of my life.  The ones who never helped me, always said "I so would understand.." and then not follow through; the ones who just made me unhappy.  Unfortunately, the one who can change my mood most - yano, the one I'm related to.. - I can't cut the bad bits out of.  because that's now basically half of her.  I want her to be happy but I don't want her to inflict him so strongly on me.  I've not seen him since you said your comments about how my mum's looking at the whole malarchy....

Urgh fuck it.  I'm going to use names and be blunt about what I'm thinking, because that is one hell of a lot easier.

Since you said that my mum probably sees "family" as a way of bringing Dave more into the kinda house-unit-thing, I've not seen Dave.  He's taking my mum away for the weekend.

It's her birthday soon which obviously means he'll be around.  I don't know how to react.

What the hell has that got to do with anything?

I've been cutting myself off.  That's what I was trying to say.

What I think I'm doing is cutting myself off too much; retreating into myself because I don't bitch; don't get pissed off.  Honestly, I think that because I don't have enough to say I'm finding it harder to engage myself in things.

I'm pretty sure it's a stage, not least because I'm not going to actually try and get out of it.

Tell me if it continues.  (That is, without reason.  I am naturally feeling more unhappy more frequently recently, which you've probably gathered, so I find it harder to be more enthused at times.

But as I said: it's a stage.

Have just watched Best of Friends.  It's nice how they're so optimistic: "We'll be best of friends forever"..."It doesn't matter what happens we'll always be there for each other..."

Evn though it often doesn't happen, very often, optimism really is good.

Yay.!

Now, I tihnk it's about time for me to get ready for my exam.  A slow start and calm time will do me good.

Bye all.

I want to say

...so much.  Or it feels that way at the moment.

For ages I've not said what I want to say because I've said it before, in a lot of cases.  I've never said "I'll always love you" because I think it curses things.  If I say anything like that then it goes wrong, and I believe that too much to say anything like that to you.

But it just feels at the moment like nothing'll change that much.  I just can't see it going wrong.  The only thing that would be a problem would be me being stupid; and I'm going to avoid that.  But since you, I've hardly noticed other people.  Not in that way.

WHY DO I FEEL DOWN THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON

I piss myself off too much.

As you've said, I loved Oli.  So how do I /really/ know that this isn't the same?

that is the stupidest thing I've said for a very long time.

Come on and show them your love

Rip out the wings of a butterfly

I've saved you my last rolo.

Isn't that what you're meant to do?

Save the last rolo for the one you love.

I didn't bother with Oli: I eat rolos so rarely that I thought "screw him" and enjoyed my last rolo a lot.

Whenever I talk to Kati about my life she basically says that there's not much wrong with it.  I know that there's not much wrong with it.  I just sometimes randomly become really down.  Often late at night; often when not with you; often when I can't think of something to say.

We ran out of conversation topics long ago; probably by half way through March, the ammount we were talking through Febuary.

Right now I want to cling to you.  I just want to curl up and feel your arms around me.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

There's no reason.

I feel like I'm seeking attention or something, but I just really don't see why.  Or how, seeing as a maximum of three people read this blog, and it's probably actually two and one whenever he's bored and without "cute friends" at his house xP.

I often feel like you're acting around me.

I hate that.

So often you've said that you don't act around me that I've come to think that it's a thing you don't often do - not act, i mean.  Then I think of you around so many people.  And you don't act.  And then I feel less special; more insecure.  More insecure because at the moment I have like... 3 people I see.  You Kati and Fi.  I'm not seeing Kati because I'm going away and I don't think I can make it...I hope I do see Kati.  I need to; need to know I can.  I feel like I'm cutting myself off (if you're rolling your eyes then bloody stop it - I know that I am and I know why)...and now have no one.  No one but you and Kati, and sometimes Fi.  Fi is great; a great person.  But three people only have their charms.

I feel so fucking hollow.

So, so you think you can tell heavan from hell.

Blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field

From cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil;

Do you think you can tell?

I don't think I can live up to my mother's expectations so constantly.

She wants MORE support when she goes back to work.  How in hell am I meant to do that on my own?  Already I feel weighed down and that's just from clearing the kitchen; loading the dishwasher; emptying the dishwasher; washing what can't go in the dishwasher; drying said items; putting them away; wiping the surfaces; hoovering; cleaning the car's interior...How In Hell Am I Meant To Do More And Still Have Time To Live?

One of the reasons I love cantering Willis - fast - up to the top of Blackcap.  A moment in time when there is no one to tell me to do something.  I am my own boss and I decide what I want to do.  I look out over the houses and imagine the people living, not knowing what they're missing.  Those blissful moments of freedom.  They are the reasons I am a "happy hacker".

I still want more, though.

I wonder what'll happen come September.

Enjoy your rolos.

Do It Faster Makes Us Stronger. [a justification]

I hate annoying people.  I hate pissing people off and getting on the wrong side of them, especially if I care about them a lot.  I can't stand hurting people because I know that I would hate it if it happened to me.

When I piss some people off and they snap at me I feel like I'm being sliced right in my heart; like a knife's being pushed down slowly through it, or at its worst like someone's stabbed my heart and twisted the knife slowly.  They always enjoy it, in my head.  That makes it worse; because it's always someone I care about.

That's why I don't like being blamed for things when I don't know them.

That's why I don't like telling people what i think when it's not what they want to hear.

It's why I find it so hard to move away from people and why I need to excuse myself from everything.  If there's no justification then most of the time I can't do it.

So when you mention something I did not previously know and you never gave a hint of, and tell me that that's why you did something which pissed me off, what the hell am I meant to do except try and make it normal?

I told you that and you didn't react.

That's when it cuts.

I apologise for my imperfections; I'm very sodding sorry for being human.

The Dog Days Are Over.

happiness, hit her like a train on a track. 

coming towards her, stuck still no turning back. 

she hid around corners and she hid under beds. 

she killed it with kisses and from it she fled 

with every bubble she sank with a drink 

and washed it away down the kitchen sink 

the dog days are over, the dog days are done 

the horses are coming so you better run 

run fast for your mother run fast for your father 

run for your children for your sisters and brothers 

leave all your love and your loving behind you 

can't carry it with you if you want to survive 

the dog days are over the dog days are done 

can't you hear the horses cuz here they come 

and i never wanted anything from you 

except for everything you had and what was left after that too. oh. 

happiness it hurt like a bullet in the back 

struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that 

the dog days are over the dog days are gone 

can you hear the horses cuz here they come 

run fast for your mother and fast for your father 

run for your children for your sisters and brothers 

leave all your love and your longing behind you 

can't carry it with you if you want to survive 

the dog days are over, the dog days are gone 

can you hear the horses because here they come 

the dog days are over, the dog days are gone 

can you hear the horses because here they come 

I feel so empty.

 This song helps me.  It's one of the songs which make me feel good by listening to it; it fits but doesnt change every mood.

The past

In year 4 I was bullied.  As far as I know I never gave a reason to the girl who did it - Leah Kelly - as to why she did it because I was friends with her one day then she rang me up that night and told me that I was a crap, horrible person and that she didn't want to be my friend.

From that day on she ruined my time.

I can't even fully remember what she did.  A lot of the time she would stare at me with her hand blocking the sun, smiling and coughing to get my attention, with her friend Miranda Moorley.  She made me paranoid about how I looked, what I did, and everything about me.  At that time I was friends with Katie Becker - ish.  She was always unreliable because she was, basically, horrible.  She's now besties with Leah.

When I was younger I was really obsessed with horses, so used to play "horses".  Originally, Holly - the one who was keeping Leah being nice for a while but eventually left anyway (I almost regained contact with her recently, but I think Leah told her I am a terrible person, so she stopped talking properly); Leah; Katie and I would play.  Other people would join in, but I can't remember who.  I was always slightly popular, but with the wrong crowd and wrong ideas and wrong everything.

I became so paranoid, eventually, that I stopped playing horses even though I wanted to.  Leah said it was "lame" and "kinda sad", so I supressed my imagination and stopped letting myself want to do too much.

I stopped myself reacting to things and tried to numb myself to everything that she did.  It worked perfectly in public.  That's how I've been able to forgive everyone so easily, and why I'm so forgetful.  I made myself forgive everyone because I was terriffied of having no one, and I forgot things ebcause it made the forgiving much easier.  That's why I was friends with Katie (who made me miserable) several times; sometimes speak to Miranda Moorley (who was mentioned); Flora (who was a bitch); and Lilli Woodthorpe (who was very horrible on several occasions)...etc.    I met Lois Lamb that year, and she became a very stable friend who - I think - helped me ignore them.

What I realised today is that Leah Kelly is the bitch who made me the bad bits of what I am today.