In this moment

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I know you're right about /why/ I feel shit.  I know it's because my mother is pressing this prostetic family upon me.  And yes, that's what it feels like.  Entirely false but you're forced to have it.  Difference: a prostetic limb is necessary.  All this is necessary for is my mother's happiness and she doesn't seem to realise that I'm lying when I say I'm fine and, actually, I need a hug from someone who's not Jack.

I feel like going on a walk along the seafront in a big hoody and moody music.  (Or The Big Ones Get Away).

I want it to be cold.

And possibly rain.

(But not, please, oh weather God, on Wednesday morning)

I want to go riding.  Fast, galloping over Blackcap and not having to stop until I reach the top of the hill and can look over the serenity of a perfect world: perfect because I know nothing of its problems.  Perfect becasue I'm just looking.  Not thinking of what I don't like just looking.  Not thinking that I have basically no friends that I actually want and not thinking that the friends I don't want are finally bored.  I can't believe that I care; it's what I want.  Then again, I care because I feel down anyway, so would like to think that the people I wouldn't turn to because they wouldn't be there are available to be there.

That's rather nonsensical.

I want to understand myself and what I'm feeling.

I want to be alone.

I want to feel an emotion.  A really strong one.  Not lust, or want, but happiness or sadness.  The thing is, I don't realise when I feel happy.  I've always been happy; I always try and be happy.  I don't like feeling this way and I don't like feeling so false and disjointed from everyone around me but I don't want to let them in and talk about it because I won't hear the right things in what they're saying and I won't understand their point of view.  All the while, it'll make everything more real, thus worse.

I don't want to go out.

I don't want to paste a smile on my face and act like I love everyone.

Because right now I can't imagine my mood actually changing; not that much.

One More Time.

bai.

An on-going rant.

This is going to start sorta hereish and be written for as long as I feel necessary and about what I want to talk about.

I do not like being here.

Becky's cool.  I like Becky because we just give each other "looks" about the stupid shit  my mum says.  Like:

Becky: Does it say what time it starts?

Me: No

Mum: Does it say what time it starts?

(insert look here)

Me: No.

Becky's young enough to accept my mum.  Rachael doesn't like her - that's obvious and I've never met her - because she's too old to accept her, like I am with Dave, but there we are.

My head hurts.

I wanna listen to the Gaga megamix Jack put on my memory stick but I can't because I'm with people.

I feel sick with hunger.

I wish I'd gone out today.

I wish I was with Jack.

I hope Kati will take me away from my mother tomorrow.

Food now.  More later.

I've been thinking about Leah Kelly today.

(The one who ruined my year 4)

I think that she's the reason I ignore what I don't like about myself, and am confident.  The reason I decieve myself so much.

I want a hug.

I feel like nothing.

Good night.

Thank you.

For being there.

For being a great friend.

For being proud when I needed to know it was right.

For putting yourself aside for me.

For helping me whenever I ask.

For being fantastic.

For being you.

And to you.  Don't think I forgot you jus tbecause this isn't about you.

Thank you for all the above.

But also:

For being different.

Both of you are the best friends I could have.

I love you both.

Love is....

Having just finished watching There's Something About Mary, throughout which I thought of the man I now reffur to as my "other half", I made my mind up about love.  What it is to me.

So.

Love is putting the other person's happiness before your's.

Love is hurting yourself, your feelings, to make them happy.

Love is the ability to justify something you hated by saying "they liked it".

Love is the want to do random things for the person.

Love is small suprises and romantic notions.

Love is affection.

Love is kisses and love is hugs.

Love is want.

Love is what you know when you get.

Love is the thing that can make you happiest

Love is the thing that can hurt you most.

Love is laughing;

Love is spending time with the person talking about one thing.

Love is when you think that the person's foibles make them human..

Love is when you agree.

Love is what makes you feel good about yourself.

Love is felt to who you can tell everything to

Love is known when you don't think twice.

Love is secrets and in-jokes and friendship.

Love is what I feel for you.

Love is what you'll know; and you'll know it for sure.  It'll hit you around the head when it arrives with a big alligator skin handbag.

Even though this might not be the right time, and I might not be the right one, it really really does feel right.

I love you.

"is there anything about me that annoys you?"

Yes.

I don't like that you won't let me be nice to you because of your gentlemanlyness.  You started taking the piss instead.

I don't like that you took the piss out of me when I wanted to take your lunch into you.

I don't like that you took the piss when I generally try to be nice.

Apart from that.

You're great.

Something with an ending

I don't actually have much to say at the moment.  I'm about to go riding and am watching the Old Gregg episode of The Mighty Boosh.  We're just hitting Love Games! (Do You Love Me? Are You Playing Your Love Games With Me? I Just Wanna Know What To Do Cos I Need Your Love A Lot).

So...what is there to say?  I odn't have anything.  Seriously.  (Here comes the funk.)

I could talk about you.  Tell you that there's no need to listen to what I say when I over-think.  I'm always going to overthink everything, and that's soemthing you just need to say what you always do say to; that I'm being silly.  I think that's what you say.  It's what I say to myself anyway.  It just doesn't always work until you say it, because your comments stick in my mind more than my own do.

After all, this is one of the things which feels most right to me - ever.  When I think "what should a relationship be like?" it's similar to what we have, at least.  Very similar.  I always imagine that people shouldn't have to constantly be all over each other, but should want each other.  They shouldn't mind doing suprises for one another, which take effort especially, and shouldn't feel that they've reached a stage in their relationship where they don't need to talk as much or whatever.  We haven't reached that yet, obviously, but I'll worry if we do.  It's one of the first signs, I think.

Riding time.

Thanks for listening.

You must be bored.

I will now end this broadcase with:

We've Got The Funk.