Maybe, come to think of it, it's because of Oli that I don't believe I'm strong. He always said that I'm not as strong as I think I am, when I did things like talk of Millie and how she's not affecting me that much; I used to change around her. When I found my feet - not that long ago - he said "lose them." Now, I think that's a way of trying to keep me. If I was entirely dependant on him then things would be different.
Actually, they wouldn't. I would still have realised that I have places to turn: Kati, who I admit I previously underestimated, and Jack, who has always promised to be there.
At a couple of points, I've wondered if I'm only with Jack because I need somewhere to turn. Then I realise that no, I'm not. If I was then our relationship would be different and probably more like the typical couple of our age. Something which wouldn't happen because he doesn't want it to, a lot. We'd both have to change for that to occur.
Jack doesn't think he's a strong person because he doesn't let things out. To be honest, there's a chance he's right. I know there aren't many people he could let things out around, but there are always times when he's alone, or, if he so wishes, with me.
(Sorry for putting that here instead of saying it, but I don't want to forget it and he's on his way to school so I couldn't say it to him due to lack of credit or, for the conversation which comes with it, access to him.)
I don't think he realises that he's making a difference. Well, he does, because I told him yesterday, but seriously. When I gave Oli his stuff back on Saturday, I spent the entire time thinking of him, upstairs. No one would've done that for me especially without just getting pissed off at me for taking so long when I saw them again. But instead he asked me what happened and gave me a hug. That helped one hell of a lot.
What I find funny, and I only just thought of, is that had Oli and my relationship not been that of typical teenagers, I doubt that we would've have lasted as long.
He said on Saturday, when 'explaining' what a typical teenager Jack is, that "even [he] over did things when we were first going out". He so shouldn't have said that; now I remember. He said that he found out his Dad still smoked, when he didn't; he had a cigarette, and that that upset him. How could it if he spent a lot of time when he was with me explaining how no fags were nice unless rolled with licorice papers because then you can't taste the bad bit. As if he even knew; he was probably told by Max or someone.
It annoys me how he still thinks he knows me comepletely. he doesn't realise that for a long time when we were going out, I didn't tell him anything. I don't even think I told him about when I got pissed off with Jacob, and that was rather significant. When we were together we used to kiss before hugging, so when I hugged him goodbye on Saturday, not doing what was normal felt a bit odd. He then went on how the urge wouldn't be there if I didn't want it. Little does he know.
That's so off subject.
Oli was a weak person. He was a Holden Caulfield, in that he denied everything to himself.
Kati is a strong person who has her weak moments.
I will finish this later.
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