The Past

Have you ever spent a few hours wondering "what if?"

A series of questions I've thought recently, in the past half hour or so:

What if I'd never left Mitchelswood?

What if I'd never joined Mitchelswood?

(thus:) What if I'd never met Kati?

What if I'd stayed in Lois Lamb and co.'s friendship group, and not spent time trying to avoid extra time with them?

Briefest possible answer to all:

I'd be completely different.

If I'd never left Mitchelswood I would probably have a job by now.  That, or a horse.  But I wouldn't like it.  Because I never liked Lucy - even though she's gone now - and I never really got on with Rachel.  So what would I be doing?  Being there and not alllways minding it, once some people got to a decent age, then complaining about it a lot when I wasn't there.  making people wonder why I was there.  I don't think I wouldn't be as good as I am; I think I'd be slightly "wet".

If I'd never joined Mitchelswood then I would be miserable.  I hope hope hope that I would've found the guts to leave and go somewhere else from Brendon's or I really would be miserable.  Though it's now only shows, which would've forced me.  Maybe that would've drained my love for horses and people, and probably destroyed my belief in all things humane and whatnot.  (Oh Mercy Me, God Bless Catastrophe.  fitting much?)

The time during which I was at Brendon's was hugely changing and, in the long run, beneficial: it's how I found Kati.  Which brings me to:

If I'd never met Kati then I've no idea.  I don't think I would really have a best female friend, I think instead I would needed someone and no one would've been there, for a while at least.  Kati has done more than she probably realises.

If I'd stayed in the friendship group with LL and co., I think I'd be miserable also.  I don't know what I'd be doing or anything, but I'd be totally different.  Everything I dislike probably.  Trying too hard to fit in with people who would never accept me, didn't like me, and so on.  It'd be largely horrible, and I doubt I would know myself any more.  I'd probably be going to Varndean or BHASVIC, and probably not because I chose them.

"What if" is a slightly dangerous thought.  It's one of the reasons that I think everything happens for a reason, as opposed to those who think there's no reason.  There's always a reason.  The final moment....it's all for that.

That's why I don't believe in time travel.  Even if something you really regret happens, it's for a reason.  It could cause a painful break up or something, but the 'pain' you feel was meant to happen then and there and the people you turned to were meant to help or shun you.  That's the problem actually.  Should something happen between Jack and me to break us up, I wouldn't have anywhere more than Kati to turn...even she'd get bored of me talking about it.  Which would be what the others would do, too.  But sooner.

Shame, really.

Oh how I'll miss those people.

Ish.