Vienna

Slow down, you crazy child 
you're so ambitious for a juvenile 
But then if you're so smart, tell me 
Why are you still so afraid? 

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? 
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out 
You've got so much to do and 
Only so many hours in a day 

But you know that when the truth is told.. 
That you can get what you want or you get old 
You're gonna kick off before you even 
Get halfway through 
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? 

Slow down, you're doing fine 
You can't be everything you want to be 
Before your time 
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight 
Tonight,... 
Too bad but it's the life you lead 
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need 
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know 
You can't always see when you're right. you're right 

You've got your passion, you've got your pride 
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied? 
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true 
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? 

Slow down, you crazy child 
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile 
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two 
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you? 
And you know that when the truth is told 
that you can get what you want or you can just get old 
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through 
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you 
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you? 

Quit rushing.

You have your whole life ahead of you.

There's no need to hurry to the serious bit.

The world will wait my friend.

The world will wait until you're ready to stand up and announce that you're ready to go.

Sit back.

Relax.

Let it go, and just enjoy the show.

Off my chest.

This is almost an appropriate blog  title.  Shame I don't really have anything to say, just a huge urge to say it.

This post, just by the way, could end up slightly random.

I have always overthought things.  It's something I do, something I always have done and something I doubt will ever change.  Not significantly anyway.  (I really should go to bed.  I don't feel well.)  I appear to have decided to give myself a problem lurking at the back of my mind: subconciously decided to think that I don't want jack as much as I used to.  See, this is complete shite, which is even being proved now by me wanting a hug from him, in my less than perfect mental state.  By my wanting him earlier so I ended up hanging onto his t-shirt very tightly indeed.  By not wanting him to go.  By worrying when his leg hurt and I chucked him on the floor (...). See, it's ridiculous, but I just keep worrying.  Maybe if my head stops spinning, it'll stop hurting to.  That would be wonderful, I tell you.

So what else is there?

Right now I don't have anything to say.  I don't really want to talk to anyone so am not, and that's pretty much that.  I feel like cocooning myself in a big blanket with someone giving me a big hug.  I hate feeling this groggy.

The song Wish You Were Here off the album with the same name, written by Pink Floyd, is freaking awesome.  I love it at the moment.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? 
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. 
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Weirdly relevant, though I couldn't for the life of me explain why.

The most persuasive person I know

Is someone I know everything about.  Almost everything, at least.  Sometimes people bring up things which I don't remember about said person, which suprises me a lot of the time.

The person I am talking about is the reason I can get along with the people I don't like, and the reason I act like I like them.  This person gets inside my head and twists my dislike for them, locking it away in the back of my mind so that the person can piss me off again and again, each time me forgiving them because this person has gotten inside my head so much, and has changed all of my thoughts about them.

Generally speaking, actually, I still maintain the same opinion on the person.  A girl I know, for example, I often dislike but sometimes am just in the mood for; feel like I'll get on with her.  So this person makes me.  Even when she pisses me off, I just go a bit off with her until she says something - never apologising, I might add - which makes this person make me let go of the memory - or rather hide the memory - of her having pissed me off.

It's why I'm crap at holding grudges, it's why it's easy for me to get hurt by others, and it's really fucking annoying most of the time.  Because the most persuasive person I know is not one who I can cut out of my life now that I've left school, and is not one I can start to ignore; because it's me.  And I don't know how to stop it.  And it's really freaking annoying.

A little note.

I never knew that someone's life would ever be so...like your's.  I thought that only happened in the movies, and in the movies you don't really think about anything extra.

I know that stuff like what is affecting you now happens - obviously, what with it having happened within my family - but I didn't know that til much later than it happened.  Although I knew that worried and worrying phonecalls were made.  Beyond that, I've never thought about how the kinda shit that you've been through affects the person who's been through it.

You seem to be some kind of superior being with your 6 thoughts going on at once (though it still slightly confuses me how 3 of them can be songs..), and I've never heard of that before.  But that's entirely irrelevant.  What I need to say is I didn't know how much he meant to you and I still don't.  I doubt that I ever will get close to comprehending.  I'm sorry that I can't do what I want to do, and simply change the past, but everything happens for a reason.  I don't want to say that everything'll be ok because it's in the past but let's be honest: it may well not be.  You'll always carry the memories with you whether you like it or not.  I must say, however, if there is anything - anything - I can do to help you supress what your 6th mind tract runs on then tell me.  Even if it's just to be with you (which I'll probably make you do anyway because I want to be with you a lot).

I wanted this to be better but I don't know what to say.

Please tell me what I can do to help you, if there is anything.

Just don't forget I'm here.

Three Questions

One.

What would you do if you were told you had one year to live?

Finish my GCSEs, then pull out of Lewes.  I don't believe that the meaning of life lies in knowledge.  I therefore would not spend all of my time at college wanting to be elsewhere.  I would also buy a horse.  A competitive horse who is very very good, but the kind I like: big bugger with attitude.  As long as they can do it.  I would then phone Hickstead and apply for their show.  Unfortunately that would have to be this year because otherwise I'd be dead.  So I'd have to phone them and tell them that it's always been a dream of mine and that I've only got a year to live.  I suppose I would just have to hope that they let me, and if not then I think I would (for example) contact William Funnell, or the Whittakers, explain my case and hope that they'll  give me one of their rides.  If that works.  If not, I'd probably get myself fuckloads of press and all, and hope that the whole case would work on the Bunn family (who run Hickstead.  I think.).  That, or ride through Spain, in aid for a charity supporting research into whatever I'm dying of.

So I'm either riding through Spain or in Hickstead.  that'll take a lot of work, so I'll be working towards it for a while.  I think I'd end up doing both - both are important to me - so that's at least half a year gone.  I'd have to, inconveniently enough, make sure that 2 people especially are not hurting too much.  I'd have to teach myself to understand if they wanted to cut me out because it'd be the best for them.  I'd let myself hurt for those I love.  As long as I had someone: my family; my absent friends.  The real ones if they want.  I'd tell the people I don't like that they suck and tell Dave that he's a grass smoking tosser.  I'd tell my mother that I never liked him and never told her because I was too scared of hurting her, and that I only pretended to like him for her.  And that I hoped she was very fucking grateful.

I'd write a will, too.

Two.

How would you want people to react?

I want people to have been affected by me and what I've said, done and everything to them, so I want to be remembered.  In an ideal world, I want to have the person who would always wear my name on a ring, always, but it's a big thing to ask a 16 year old.  It's condemning them to never properly move on from me and that could, essentially, change their life completely.  I wouldn't want that.  I would just want them to sometimes think of me and miss me.   Not so much it hurts, just so much that they know I was there.  I want people to like that I lived, hate that I died.  I want them to dislike it, naturally, but - in short - I don't want people to hurt but I want people to notice.

Three.

What would you do if you were then told you weren't going to die?

I would reapply to Lewes and pick up my life again.  What else can I do?  I probably wouldn't have the guts to tell most of the people; I'd just get on with it and hope that the ones who mattered didn't mind I'd put them through so much shit, and realised that I'd been through it too...ish.  I'd just miss my gap year and let everything fall into place.

The Past

Have you ever spent a few hours wondering "what if?"

A series of questions I've thought recently, in the past half hour or so:

What if I'd never left Mitchelswood?

What if I'd never joined Mitchelswood?

(thus:) What if I'd never met Kati?

What if I'd stayed in Lois Lamb and co.'s friendship group, and not spent time trying to avoid extra time with them?

Briefest possible answer to all:

I'd be completely different.

If I'd never left Mitchelswood I would probably have a job by now.  That, or a horse.  But I wouldn't like it.  Because I never liked Lucy - even though she's gone now - and I never really got on with Rachel.  So what would I be doing?  Being there and not alllways minding it, once some people got to a decent age, then complaining about it a lot when I wasn't there.  making people wonder why I was there.  I don't think I wouldn't be as good as I am; I think I'd be slightly "wet".

If I'd never joined Mitchelswood then I would be miserable.  I hope hope hope that I would've found the guts to leave and go somewhere else from Brendon's or I really would be miserable.  Though it's now only shows, which would've forced me.  Maybe that would've drained my love for horses and people, and probably destroyed my belief in all things humane and whatnot.  (Oh Mercy Me, God Bless Catastrophe.  fitting much?)

The time during which I was at Brendon's was hugely changing and, in the long run, beneficial: it's how I found Kati.  Which brings me to:

If I'd never met Kati then I've no idea.  I don't think I would really have a best female friend, I think instead I would needed someone and no one would've been there, for a while at least.  Kati has done more than she probably realises.

If I'd stayed in the friendship group with LL and co., I think I'd be miserable also.  I don't know what I'd be doing or anything, but I'd be totally different.  Everything I dislike probably.  Trying too hard to fit in with people who would never accept me, didn't like me, and so on.  It'd be largely horrible, and I doubt I would know myself any more.  I'd probably be going to Varndean or BHASVIC, and probably not because I chose them.

"What if" is a slightly dangerous thought.  It's one of the reasons that I think everything happens for a reason, as opposed to those who think there's no reason.  There's always a reason.  The final moment....it's all for that.

That's why I don't believe in time travel.  Even if something you really regret happens, it's for a reason.  It could cause a painful break up or something, but the 'pain' you feel was meant to happen then and there and the people you turned to were meant to help or shun you.  That's the problem actually.  Should something happen between Jack and me to break us up, I wouldn't have anywhere more than Kati to turn...even she'd get bored of me talking about it.  Which would be what the others would do, too.  But sooner.

Shame, really.

Oh how I'll miss those people.

Ish.

You.

I'm suprised that you've never been told before that you're lovely, and you're perfect, and that somebody wants you.

When I was with my ex, he would walk behind me or something and I would want him to put his hands on my waist, just give me a hug, recognise that I'm there.  You do.

You know what I want to say next, but I can't entirely help it; I love you.

18/5

Have you ever imagined what something should, ideally, be like?

Like, oh, I dunno, a relationship?

I feel like my ideal is what I have.

But tell me, please tell me. Whatever you want to say please tell me.  I need to know right now.

Nowhere Else To Go.

I told you.  I finally told you.  I made you go online and I told you what I felt and why.  I feel like I should feel like a weight's been lifted, but instead I feel weighed down straight on my heart with the shit that's coming out of your mouth. Or fingers.  Whatever.  When you say I don't know how bad you feel, I don't know what to say.  Partly because I want you to feel bad.  I want you to know that it's been hurting me for months and months, and because I want you to understand.  I really do miss you.  I miss talking to you about my day whether it was good or bad.  I miss you being my pink ET.

But at the same, I don't want to forgive you.  You scare me.  You could do the same thing again when I need you.

But, because I love you, you're on your final warning.  And, darling, I mean final.

Last night.

Last night three things happened.

1. I decided to e-mail the ex-best friend.

Something I need to take off this blog, actually.  I thought about her a lot and really needed to just tell her, as soon as I could, that I was pissed off and she was being no use whatsoever.  She was using me when she needed me and ignoring me the rest of the time.  She would talk to Katya online but stopped talking to me.  If a conversation with someone stops for me and I care about it, I check to see who last commented and what they said.  If it was the other person,  I would comment back.  She does not, as, as far as I can tell, she does not care about me, her 'best friend', then one who was always there.  I never got around to that because of #3.

2. I couldn't be there for her.

I am assuming that some of what you wrote on your blog is directed at me.  But you fail to see that last night I was almost in tears because people can't stop being prats.  I was in no fit state to help myself, let alone you.  I do not know how to change what I say.  That kind of thing is how I work.  The comments I give you.  I try and find examples and whatever of when you've helped, or such.  So you saying "good fucking bye", assuming I just don't care about you and that I can't be arsed with you really pissed me off.  When have I ever not cared?  I always try and be there for you, I just never know what to say.  I know my comments are fucking useless but all I know how to do is listen and say what I do but seriously.  I try so hard to be there for you and it would appear that you don't care.  I'm in a shit mood once so I'm a bad person?  Debatable.

3. That boy.

Last night, I recieved an email from Joe Bardall.  He, in that email, said he had been ignoring me because he was in love with me and didn't know what to say.  He said that he wanted me to know how he feels.  It is all very well thinking that but it is not the way you say anything like that to someone who is in a relationship.  We were talking afterwards and he said at one point "i love u i love u i love u" a lot.  That is just not something you do to someone in a relationship, nor is "leav[ing] them with a kiss"; it's something to be done by a boyfriend to a girlfriend or visa versa, not to someone who thinks someone else is hot.  NO.  He doens't know me at all, and I don't know him.  All I know is that he's weirdly hench because he swims.  He asked me befor he went if I would go out with him if I was single, and said he didn't care if it was a yes or no.  Eff off he didn't.  I said that I didn't know; that I don't know him, and that I was really really close with Jack before doing anything.  That did not go down well; he just left.  Don't get me wrong, I do not think it is wrong to like someone if they are in a relationship.  However, I do think it is completely wrong to approach them in such a way.  The truth is that if I was single I would only go with him because I'd feel so pressured.  The feelings would be one way and that is just a stupid way to have a relationship happen.  It doesn't work.  One person ends up doing all the work, and I wouldn't be suprised if he was the kind of person to simply not bother.  If he saw that he'd say "yes I would!" but seriously.  No.  I don't think he would.  So anyway.  It's just not what you do.  I don't know why I almost cried reading that e-mail.  I guess I thought that I was through it, without him talking to me he'd just get on with life and stop liking me or whatever.  But now he's gonna talk to me again, and that just kinda mixes shit up.  Everything was going so smoothly and all...I just don't appreciate the extra shit when I'm already not feeling good - at all - I guess.

The girl in point two, it must be said, did not help.

Me.

This post is not necessairily going to be about what you know of me.  If you know me.  This is going to be the me that I would like you to know.  Once I've written this, I'm going to ask two people - or maybe more, because the two I'm thinking of could be biased - to be completely honest about their opinions on me.

So.

See what's there, but I'd like you to think that it's pretty.  I'd like to think that there's something physically appealling to some people.  Not to everyone because that's impossible; or at least very unlikely...but some.

I think I'm nice enough, but I'm not very good at acting happy when I'm pissed off a lot of the time; it depends on my mind set.  I'd like to come across as a happy, optimistic person who sees that they have their whole future ahead of them.

Although I think I know what I want to do, I'm open to a change in that plan as long as said change does not cancel out the overriding ambition: horse riding.  That'll happen.

I think I can get through most things, because I'm starting to believe that I'm stronger than I used to think.  Probably because I've broken through the mental cage which is (or was) my ex-boyfriend.

I think I know people who will be there for me when I need them.  Well, I know I do, but I tihnk there are more people than I know.  Brady, for example.  Because he's not a school friend, or even my age, I don't think of him.  But I remember getting annoyed at someone in school for slagging off how much I ride, and him saying "they're jealous.  Believe me; I was a male dancer growing up in school, how much lip do you think I got?  But really, they're jealous.  They want something they're as passionate about and good at.  You going out with who she fancies will never help that."

..or something along those lines.  That's a pretty good thing to say, if you ask me.

This isn't really about what I want you to see, is it?

Let's break it down. (bah bah dum)

If I'm walking down the street you'd pass someone with their head held high and their shoulders back.  Not in a "oo look at me" kind of a way, just the kind of way which shows they're confident.

When you're talking to me I want to come across as an eternally optimistic person who's looking forwards to life, and has what they need for the moment...though that person is, generally, too open.  Sould close a bit off.

When you really know me, you can find out whatever else there is to know.

I think that I'm not always the best friend I could be when I don't know what to say.

I think that there's more I could do for more people to make them happier and I should do those things but I just don't.  That pisses me off about me: I'm too effing lazy.  I should get off my fat arse and do the shit I ned to, but I still don't.

I'm a bit of a wuss sometimes.  I let that get to me when I'm down.

I listen to other people's opinions too much, and seem to take them on board.  That's a really crap idea.  Don't do it.

Moving on: other people's ideas.

My best friend, when asked, said this:

i think you're a person who has several personalities which you subconsciously bring out depending on who you're around, but i would say your dominant personality is calmness and an acceptance to just sit and listen to what is going on around you. i think you struggle with knowing what to say to placate or help someone when they need it but you're always willing to listen. you're more intelligent than you give yourself credit for in some areas of your life but overall i think you have apretty clear view of your talents - like you know you're a talented horse rider and photographer.

you appear to be accepting of who you are as a person and an identity crisis has never been anything you've really encountered apart from within other people.

you oftene have a smile on your face and don't stew in your own juice, but if you have a problem you will tell those who are close to you.

you're very pretty in a natural, simple way. you don't need bright hair or fancy clothes to look nice, you look just as good first thing in the morning as you do when you're really dressed up. that's partly why i always imagine you in a casual jeans & lumberjack shirt / vest top way because that is a casual laid back style.

i think you're determined and ambitious in areas of your life that you care about and don't overthink tiny problems.

i also think sometimes you live too much in the future and think about how things are going to turn out too much, but we're all guilty of that to some degree

in that way i think you sort of have your future priorities straight - so you wouldn't miss a riding lesson to finish a piece of music cw for example.

My best male friend, commonly known as my partner, said the following:

I would say that you a brilliant person, you know what you want, you know what goals you really want, and i can see you achieving them, but you yourself seem to not have enough confidence in your own abilities. It is like you seem to expect not to be good at something, like the way you are not good at other subjects at school, when you are obviously quite smart.

You yourself are quite optimistic, and you do always want to listen, if not knowing what to say you still will listen to try and help the person.

The main fault you just seem to have is not having enough confidence on your own abilities, but also something else is you care about other people's emotions too much, not like it is too bad of a thing, but it usually ends up back-tracking onto you and makes your   life abit more difficult.

It is like you over-think things so much you are scared what may happen.

However there are great points to you, way more then any of your so called "faults", but you asked for mainly faults, and you know me, i could spend a very long time just describing how much of a brilliant person you are.

Well some brilliant points of you would be the fact you are always there for people, or are willing to just listen to them (even with those you don't particulary want to be around with), you have an infinity of just being a good person to be with, you may also think you yourself are not that good looking, but in all honestness you have that natural look, where you just seem to look good whenever

you don't need make-up or anything to "cheat" people into think you're good looking.

Those are some

Oh yes, and you have that genuine smile on you alot of the time.

What do I think?

i think that i'm too nice to too many poeple because i dont like them and dont ever tell them, though i kinda think i should ... i never would though.  I bend over backwards to try and make people's lives better for them, often hurting myself in the process, and without the favour returned

I thin kthat I do too many favours for people, too.

I would do more for other people than they would forme, in short

and that's not so great

I don't like that I feel so bad about stuff I do when ,again, people wouldn't for me

I don't like what I don't tell people and that I don't tell people it

I like that I am confident in what I love to do, but I hate that I compare myself to everyone else.  It's only horse riding where I don't, really.  There I'm kinda harsh on other people's abilities when I don't mean to be.

Love

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is medium.
In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.
But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!
There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.



It's weird how every now and then, those things get it right...

The strength of persons.

I have never thought of myself as a strong person.  I always have someone to lean on and always do.

Maybe, come to think of it, it's because of Oli that I don't believe I'm strong.  He always said that I'm not as strong as I think I am, when I did things like talk of Millie and how she's not affecting me that much; I used to change around her.  When I found my feet - not that long ago - he said "lose them."  Now, I think that's a way of trying to keep me.  If I was entirely dependant on him then things would be different.

Actually, they wouldn't.  I would still have realised that I have places to turn: Kati, who I admit I previously underestimated, and Jack, who has always promised to be there.

At a couple of points, I've wondered if I'm only with Jack because I need somewhere to turn.  Then I realise that no, I'm not.  If I was then our relationship would be different and probably more like the typical couple of our age.  Something which wouldn't happen because he doesn't want it to, a lot.  We'd both have to change for that to occur.

Jack doesn't think he's a strong person because he doesn't let things out.  To be honest, there's a chance he's right.  I know there aren't many people he could let things out around, but there are always times when he's alone, or, if he so wishes, with me.

(Sorry for putting that here instead of saying it, but I don't want to forget it and he's on his way to school so I couldn't say it to him due to lack of credit or, for the conversation which comes with it, access to him.)

I don't think he realises that he's making a difference.  Well, he does, because I told him yesterday, but seriously.  When I gave Oli his stuff back on Saturday, I spent the entire time thinking of him, upstairs.  No one would've done that for me especially without just getting pissed off at me for taking so long when I saw them again.  But instead he asked me what happened and gave me a hug.  That helped one hell of a lot.

What I find funny, and I only just thought of, is that had Oli and my relationship not been that of typical teenagers, I doubt that we would've have lasted as long.

He said on Saturday, when 'explaining' what a typical teenager Jack is, that "even [he] over did things when we were first going out".  He so shouldn't have said that; now I remember.  He said that he found out his Dad still smoked, when he didn't; he had a cigarette, and that that upset him.  How could it if he spent a lot of time when he was with me explaining how no fags were nice unless rolled with licorice papers because then you can't taste the bad bit.  As if he even knew; he was probably told by Max or someone.

It annoys me how he still thinks he knows me comepletely.  he doesn't realise that for a long time when we were going out, I didn't tell him anything.  I don't even think I told him about when I got pissed off with Jacob, and that was rather significant.  When we were together we used to kiss before hugging, so when I hugged him goodbye on Saturday, not doing what was normal felt a bit odd.  He then went on how the urge wouldn't be there if I didn't want it.  Little does he know.

That's so off subject.

Oli was a weak person.  He was a Holden Caulfield, in that he denied everything to himself.

Kati is a strong person who has her weak moments.

I will finish this later.

Ponderment. Or something.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
i don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried, and i don't know why...

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot
To be something i'm not
I'm a fool out of love
'Cause i just can't get enough...

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
i don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried, and i don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but i don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know i've got to let it go...
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs
And synchronise in time
It's a joke, nobody knows
They've got a ticket to the show....

This is possibly the cutest song ever written.

And it's right; we should just let life happen and enjoy the process of it.

It is and always will be something which must be accepted and understood about life.

I'm in such a weird mood, and have been for most of the evening.

I feel kinda blank.

My head hurts.

I can't stop listening to The Show and Neoplitan Dreams.

The text on this has decided to stop wrapping itself, which is really inconvenient.

And why there are so many new lines.

So what to speak of?

Well there are a few things, kinda.

Alice.

She texted me today and said that we should meet up.

I want to see her.

I think.

I want to tell her that I'm sick of her pushing me aside until it's inconvenient for her;

She needs someone to turn to. The time befor elast I spoke to her, her cat died.

Jack.

I don't even know what I want to say here.

I want to be talking to him - not online, though - and just ... tell him shit.

There's not even anything to tell.

He knows how I feel.

He knows my past.

He knows what I want formy future.

Well, he knows most of my past.

No one knows all of it. Me included.

Youtube.

Don't know how long I'll keep going with it.

Photographs.

I want to skip school tomorrow and take them.

Alone time.

I want some.

Actually, I don't.

I want time to be with my thoughts, but only if they stay superficial and don't go stupid and over-thinking.

Tomorrow.

I'd forgotten about this.

tomorrow's when I have to give Oli his fucking stuff.

Maybe I just won't. It'd be easier. I could on Thursday instead, so that I have a reason to go.

A Pod to call me and get me away.

I meant to ask mum to call me but wasn't in the mood to talk, at all really.

My head.

It really hurts.

Dancing.

I wanna dance up the street in sunlight and a skirt. And I have no idea why.

Something he said.

"he came here for me."

"wonder how long that'll last."

pah.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Let's think.

Part of me would like to change my guts. Make myself braver so that I can tell Alice what I feel and tell Oli to eff off.

Tell the poeple I don't like that I don't actualyl want anything to do with them any more.

To tell the best people I know that they're wonderful.

To sing from the rooftops.

To go skydiving.

"tell the best people I know that they're wonderful"

stupid one, that.

if they know me and are reading this then they should know who they are

Kati and Jack

just to clarify.

"Alice what i feel .... Oli ... eff off"

I Can Do It.

I'll ignore "to sing from the rooftops", becaue that's my weird mood kicking in.

"go skydiving"

Two meanings.

1--to actualyl go skydiving. It'd be great.

2--to go my version of skydiving. Something with as much of an adreneline rush and excitement and build up.

So what could that be for me?

Probably being at a show.

As fucking if.

I don't like negative thoughts.

I'm going to try and get some fucking sleep.

Bye.

Long Live The Queen.

"You'll live to dance another day, it's just now you'll have to dance, for the two of us, so stop looking so damn depressed and sing with all your heart that the Queen is dead"

I've always thought it strange, people's different outlooks on death.  Having no experience with it myself, I cannot contribute what I have done in the situation, but I can guess.

Actually I can't.

Martha and Joe have died during my lifetime - that I can remember, cos Ken did too but I don't remember him at all...I've made up all of my memories about him - but I only cried over Joe because not only was he a warmer person than Martha, but also his death was presented to my mother and I in a very unorthodox fashion.  That, and Oli was shit at that time.  Anyway, they died.  Martha i sorta went "...o." for, and Joe I cried and drew for.  I still have that drawing; it wasn't entirely bad.  However, it'd be totally different if it was Pod, for example.  I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  I don't have the kind of relationship with my dad where I'd turn to him, and wouldn't want to turn to my mum.  She'd probably be with Dave.

It's true; look how they shine for you.

Look how they shine for you.

Look how they shine for.

It's ridiculous.  I've cared for people before and I've loved people before.  So how is it that only now I'm caring for the happiness for someone truly?  Really, I find that kind of odd.  I would let you go if that was what you wanted.  I would put myself aside entirely for you.  I don't know if that's because no one's reeally done it before or I really do just love you...but it is so.

Why am I writing that on a blog?

I should just bloody tell you.

Inspiration

A person who writes a blog I follow wrote a blog about the people who inspire her, so I thought I would do the same.  On her's, she writes about how the people who inspire us change us and how we act; how we are inspired by the person who smiles as you pass them.  We're inspired by peopel who look pretty and act confident, and - for me at least - who have lived their lives and ended up where they want to be.  That, or they are living how they want.

Ray "Iron Man" Goldstein

Ray has been out and lived as much as he can.  Famous for his replacements of bones and for his wins - especially at Plumpton - where he (I believe) remains unbeaten.  He's now withdrawn to have a happy life with a successful marraige and happy successful kids.  What's really better than that?

Pippa Funnell

She's pretty, successful and has a brilliant name for herself.  She's really happy in her marraige and is really pleased with her life as far as I can tell.  Genius.

Eddie Macken

A legend in his own lunchtime - so to speak.  The above photograph is of him and Boomerang, the horse he won Hickstead with four times consecutively - I think.  He's now really getting on but still riding and competing, a bit.  He really did amazing things while he was riding a lot, and was amazingly good at it all.  He then, once again, stepped back and is - as far as I know- happy.

Lee Miller

A change from the others.  A beautiful, seriously beautiful, woman who took amazing photographs of seriously gross things, sometimes; like prison guards from the Holocaust having killed themselves.  But she did a load of things.  Modelling, photography, and a whole lot more which I guess I'll learn about on the 9th (I'm going to see her house thing).  She's beautiful, smart and intellegent...she's also done a lot.  Though nothing to do with horses, for once.

From those people it's probably apparent that I want to be able to look back on my life and have lived it to the full.  It's really important to me.  To be able to have a bit of all those people in my life, that'd be awesome.  After all, I have to be riding horses in competitions and while not riding taking photos of other people jumping, between teaching people English in France.  That'll be fun.

Feeling This

I got no regret right now (I'm feeling this)

The air is so cold and low (I'm feeling this)

Let me go in her room (I'm feeling this)

{I love all the things you do / {I wanna take off her clothes (I’m feeling this)

Show me the way to bed (I'm feeling this)

Show me the way you move (I'm feeling this)

Fuck it, it's such a blur (I'm feeling this)

I love all the things you do (I'm feeling this)

[Chorus:]

Fate fell short this time

Your smile fades in the summer

Place your hand in mine

I'll leave when I wanna

Where do we go from here

Turn all the lights down now

Smiling from ear to ear (I'm feeling this)

Our breathing has got too loud (I'm feeling this)

Show me the bedroom floor (I'm feeling this)

Show me the bathroom mirror (I'm feeling this)

We're taking this way too slow (I'm feeling this)

Take me away from here (I'm feeling this)

[Chorus x2]

This place was never the same again

After you came and went

How can you say you meant anything different

To anyone standing alone 

On the street with a cigarette

On the first night we met

Look to the past

And remember and smile

And maybe tonight

I can breathe for awhile

I'm not in the scene

I think I'm fallin' asleep

But then all that it means is 

I'll always be dreaming of you

[Chorus x5]

[During Last Choruses In The Background:]

(Are we alone, Do you feel it?

So lost and disillusioned [x4])

I don't have anything to say about this right now, I just love it.  I ran and jumped to it today, it  was great.