Piece Of Me.

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
There still gon' be pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece of me...

I'm Miss bad media karma
Another day another drama
Guess I can't see no harm
In working and being a mama
And with a kid on my arm
I'm still an exceptional earner
You want a piece of me...

I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the rich and famous
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Oh my God that Britney's Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This just in
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. She's too big, now she's too thin
(You want a piece of me)

I'm Mrs. 'You want a piece of me? '
Tryin' and pissin' me off
Well get in line with the paparazzi
Who's flippin' me off
Hopin' I'll resort to some havoc
End up settlin' in court
Now are you sure you want a piece of me?
(You want a piece of me)

I'm Mrs. 'Most likely to get on the TV for strippin' on the streets'
When getting the groceries, now, for real...
Are you kidding me?
No wonder this panic in the industry
I mean, please, Do You want a piece of me...

I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the rich and famous
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Oh my God that Britney's Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This just in
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. She's too big, now she's too thin
(Do You want a piece of me)

I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17
Don't matter if I step on the scene
Or sneak away to the Philippines
There still gon' be pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want a piece of me?
You want a piece, piece of me... (yeah)

You want a piece of me?

I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the rich and famous
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Oh my God that Britney's Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This just in
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. She's too big, now she's too thin
(You want a piece of me)

I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the rich and famous
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Oh my God that Britney's Shameless
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. Extra! Extra! This just in
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. She's too big, now she's too thin
(You want a piece of me)

Me ME ME ME
You want a piece of me...
Oh yeah...

That says to me: you complain about everything I do, but if I try and change you complain about me more.  So, what do you expect of me?

If you put enough pressure on any one person then they will crack; it's a given.  one of those things which is bound to happen, simply because it can't not.  There are people who'll be rolling their eyes and saying that poeple who think that are weak.  They're not.  Everyone has their moments of weakness, when nothing anyone can say can help them because they've spent so much time wishing to change or be someone else, all because of the pressure mounted upon them.

It's only afterwards that you can look back and think "so, I got through it.  What's next?"

You should always be ready for that which you cannot expect.  You shouldn't go through life waiting for the next thing to hurt you, but be ready to face them.  Know that the people you've surrounded yourself with are the right ones; or at least that there are two or three who won't turn away when you need them most.  Who won't say "god, you're ignoring me" then ignore you when you try.

We all need one good person.  To hold on to them and love them.. they should love you back.  Whether platonically or more; it doesn't matter.  Just keep them, and know who they are.

http://thinksimplenow.com/

Thanks to Kati for that.

Norah Jones suminksumink

Line on your face don't bother me 
Down in my chair when you dance over me 
I can't help myself 
I've got to see you again 

Late in the night when I'm all alone 
And I look at the clock and I know you're not home 
I can't help myself 

I've got to see you again 
I could almost go there 
Just to watch you be seen 
I could almost go there 
Just to live in a dream 

But no I won't go for any of those reasons 
To not touch your skin is not why I sing 
I can't help myself 
I've got to see you again 

I've got to see you again 
I could almost go there 
Just to watch you be seen 
I could almost go there 
Just to live in a dream 

No I won't go to share you with them 
But oh even though I know where you've been 
I can't help myself 
I've got to see you again 

Who Wants To Live Forever?

Theres no time for us

Theres no place for us

What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away

From us

Who wants to live forever

Who wants to live forever....? 

Theres no chance for us

Its all decided for us

This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever

Who wants to live forever? 

Who dares to love forever? 

When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips

Touch my world with your fingertips

And we can have forever

And we can love forever

Forever is our today

Who wants to live forever

Who wants to live forever? 

Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

That song was written by Freddie Mercury when he knew he was dying.  The pose in the photograph is one which says to me "I know; and I'm living for it".  I have a similar one on my wall, and that's why.

But who does want to live forever?  All that would happen would be the ones you love die and leave you.  Because shit's like that.  Imagine the amount of heartache you would go through if you lived forever.  There would be breakups, of course, The One - especially because i think there's more than one "One"; all you can do is hope you hope you meet one and not another one.  So say you meet more than one One.  You'd have to watch them die all over again.  On the good side, there would be no excuse at all for not knowing how to play the piano and write in Arabic.

So.  The quotes.

But touch my tears with your lips

Touch my world with your fingertips

I basically like this because it's so intimate.  I can always imagine it.  I imagine just feeling really down, moved to tears, whatever, and someone - the one prob - kissing my cheek or hair and wiping the tears.  Get what I mean? ... basically, I relate to it.

And we can have forever

And we can love forever

Forever is our today.

What this says to me: "I know I'm dying but I love you one fuck of a lot and will always remember you and value what we've had."

The last line is my favourite in the song.

I don't think you should ever say "I will love you forever".

you have, effectively, signed yourself up for a lifetime of mourning. That or almost an immediately broken promise.

There's agirl I know. She's not bad looking, kinda, but thinks she's better than she is. She has most guys she wants and doesn't care about her boyfriend's feelings while she does it. he doesn't help; he let her cry herself to sleep over another guy while in his arms. That does not make sense to me.

I said to her today that I didn't understand why guy2's girlfriend was still with him, because she knew what had happened before this girl and said guy. It also doesn't make sense to me. How can you forgive your boyfriend for making out with, groping and fingering another girl? No more than that in this instance, but people do forgive others for more than that. I don't get why. How could you trust them?

This girl's boyfriend, to be fair, doesn't know this stuff. She has not told him because she is terrified that she won't be able to talk him round again, having done so so many times. Though all she really wants is attention, so she should go for it and break up with him; at least that way there'd be a reason for her to want what she gets. That boy is a very nice one, and she's just hurting him. Typical of her to have her One (i tihnk) a complete cock who won't stop hurting her until she finally cuts him out of her life. Which she won't do. Whether because she can't stand the idea or wants the attention or both, I have no idea.

So let me ask you this. If you could forgive a one night thing then fair enough, because I probably could. I trust too easily and could be talked around no problem, after all. But could you, honestly, forgive 1 1/2 years or whatever of cheats?

Actually, I'll be fair. She's not always cheated. She liked Jim but didn't kiss him. Not least because he wouldn't. I kissed him though( turth or dare) and she got weird. I tried to get them to make out but he wouldn't, again. I pissed Oli off that day by not remembering that I promised to not do t/d without him there. I still don't remember saying that. Oh whatever; that's entirely irrelevant. Tbh I don't much care for Oli any more. Where was I? Oh cheating. So could you forgive her? If you knew. Sometimes I think I should tell him.. her boyfriend, I mean. I wouldn't. I wouldn't dare. It's not something I'd do; I'm too much of a wuss even if I thought it was the right thing. I just feel for him, because he's gonna get hurt by her, the poor kid. He's alright.

I think she's jealous of me, actually. Because she asked Charlie, Jack and Mark who they would rather fuck, and Charlie and Jack didn't even think about it before saying me, and Mark needed some convincing by her to get it out of him but eventually said me. She'll never forgive me for that, I don't think.

I'm such a goddamn suckup. We walk past the tree and I say hello just because she's there. I always get distracted and forget he'sthere, tbh. Frigging tree.

OK that is soo irrelevant to everything. Not so much everything, as this blog.

I'm looking at that posted of Freddie M. as I type... I admire him. To be honest, I don't know why I admire him so much. He killed himself and accepted it. Well not killed himself, but it's totally his fault. It counts.

He's one of the two people I really really admire. Him and Ray Goldstein. I say Ray, because he's been out there riding, won a lot of races and is proud of his life. He now has 2 sons who both have their own lives and have followed in his footsteps, while Ray runs his stables and really loves it. God only knows how he actually makes money, because the numbers involved are probably very odd.

Still. Fred and Ray. got out there, did what they wanted to do, withdrew. One through death, one through choice...I could so go for that choice thing.

I'm feeling the same way all over again; singing the same lines all over again; no matter how much I pretend.

- Norah Jones; Feelin' The Same Way.

I have no idea why that quote seems relevant.

Nicities.

I've done this before.

I've wanted someone to be someone else so much that I've convinced myself she's not.  Or he.  Both, before.

I want her.  Just different.

If I could design my favourite person then it would have bits of her and Skah, probably.  Just not much.

Screw this.

I'm not that interested anyway.

The One

The prospect of having found The One at such a young age is one which I find very daunting.  Not because it could not be The One, but because I could so easily lose Him.  Over the course of time, through the times like university and because we both have intentions to travel; him to archaeological digs and whatnot, and me to Spain or France.  How would that work?  It'd be hard.

Then again, if it's meant to be it's meant to be, isn't it.

I can't believe I'm thinking this so soon.  It's not that soon really considering how long I've actually felt towards him, but it's still soon.  I can't believe how much I believe in him.  I'm so relaxed around him.  Earlier, we were lying together and he had his arms around me, and it just felt so right.  Oli once said you can never sleep with someone unless you're completely comfortable; and I agree.  We both fell asleep today.  I just love being with him so much.  It's so easy; so natural.

The thing is, I'm not used to thinking "could this be forever?".  I did in the first few months of being with Oli.  Wait, could this change?

I don't think so.  But only time will tell.

He wouldn't change me anything about me and I wouldn't change anything about him.  We seem to do something for each other.  Or well, he does for me.  There's never been a time when I've kissed him and not felt something.  Well, not just the kinda kiss which is most common.  More "making out" - again, I don't like that phrase.  It's brilliant being with him.

So...why did I start this?

Oh, I wonder how long it'll last.

As long as it can, I suppose.

Don't feel like thinking when we'll break up...I want to live in the now.

And look forwards to Friday, really.

The Consequence.

Imagine that I died right now.  Well you don't need to, but it's what I'm doing.  Feel free to imagine too if you want; it could be interesting.

I'm imagining that I'm dead, sitting up on my lil cloud, and looking back on what I've done.  Overall.  What I can remember because my subconcious knowledge clearly hasn't kicked in yet.  (I believe that if there's something after death then you can remember everything from the life before it.)

Anyway, so I'm on my cloud looking back at my life.  I was going to write about what I've done right and what I've done wrong...but I'm not really in the mood for that now.  So I'm curious.  What would people do when I die?  I assume cry.  Some of them.  I wonder what those people I spend time with would do.  Probably go "shit..." then forget about it.  Millie and Skah might remember.  No idea about Jack.  No idae about Kati.  I know my family would be unhappy - well i hope they would, tbh - but I don't know what my brother and dad would do.  My mum would turn to Dave.  I wonder if she would let Pod back in again.

What would I want?  I want people to know I've gone but I don't want their lives to stop.  I want a wake, in a way.

I like to think I will ahve touched people's lives and changed them.

Oh my God this is a lot of shite. 

I need to stop talking such shite.

Goodnight.

Life's expectations.

Life expectations:

-live

-don't vanish.

Is it just me, or does the phrase "I love you" carry more weight than "love you"?

I feel anyone can say "oh,  love ya babe"..but not many can say "I love you."

Ah so's life.

Goodnight.

Ms. Obtuse.

x

1

I think I think I think that I am in love.

And I don't mean the "omg baybee i luvv yhoo" love.  I mean the love which people do not hear of occuring between two sixteen year olds.  I don't even mean the love I felt for Oli.  This feels stronger.  He is my first thought in the morning and last thought at night.  I've not had anyone I've thought about like that since Charles....and I don't really think that counts, because 1- I never was with Charles  2- he was a weird little stage.  Quite a long stage actually, but that's largely irrelevant.

Jack is brilliant.

I wrote in my Spanish coursework what I want my ideal boyfriend to be like: Sería alto y delgada.  Tiene el pelo marron y los ojos azules.  Sería romantico y me haría reír.  Haríamos excurciónes y pasaría nos tiempo juntos en restaurantes o nos relajaríamos juntos.

He'd have brown hair and blue eyes (which I think I only actually put cos I was with Oli, thus doesn't matter).  He'd be romantic (we'll see) and make me laugh (for sure).  We'd go on trips (Worthing? =P) and spend time going to restaurants (again, we'll see) or relax together (already).

See what I mean?

Now, Welcome To The Machine.

I'm going to school.

Stop distracting me.

People.

Everything happens for a reason.

Some moment, seconds before you die, of bliss, despair or anger.  Whatever the emotion, it is what your entire, i dunno, 60 years had been adding up to.

I don't really believe in suicide.  I don't think that things can get so bad that absolutely no one would care for you.  It could be your mum, dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, best friend you thought you'd never see again...anyone.  But your death will always, always affect someone.  I really do think it's impossible for it not to.  Euthanasia, to an extent, I think is right.  I think it should in fact be legalised, as there would be many processes to go through and it would not often be used as an excuse for murder.  My opinion on that was changed by the story of Diane Pretty; before that I didn't have one, really.

Anyway, that's another story.

Back to people.  There are the good ones; the horrible ones; and the best ones.  I know one of the best ones and a few of the good ones.  The rest are, essentially, horrible.  For example, one girl I know found out that Jack and I were together so instantly went up to him and "flirted" - in a rather odd way I must say - with Jack then, as she passed me by straight afterwards, said "aah he's great".  Why she said that was clearly to get at me, which irritated me.  It's not a bad thing to say as such, beyond the fact that she was trying to get at me, because I already know that he's great - obviously.  She also kept mentioning that she has previously been with him.  What she doesn't realise is that he believes that was a mistake...and saying her name is one of the ways to get at him (arf).  The point is that I don't understand why people do stuff like that.  It doesn't make sense to constantly want one up on someone, especially if the reason behind it is probably jealousy of the person you're being snide to.  I know that sounded big-headed but it wasn't meant to.

I know there are good ones out there.  Not least because I know some of them.  Kati's one, so's Jack, as they're the best people I know.  Kati was brilliant when I needed her most, as was Jack.  I could - and do - tell them pretty much everything.

I think I like Jack so much because of that.  he's a good, reliable person who wouldn't tell anyone the stuff he knows I don't want other people to know.  Not least because I could get him back =P.  I say that but I totally couldn't tell anyone the stuff he's told me...       We were talking about "The One" today.  I'd say my One would be taller than me, with dark hair (I've only fancied one blond in my life, so it'd be weird if my One was blond..).  I'd be able to tell him everything.  I could go on random walks or whatever with him, lie around relaxing with him, he'd get on with my family, he'd be easy to talk to and understand what I'm talking about, and being with him would be as natural as being alone when everything's right.    That kinda describes Jack.  He's not much taller than me, but it hurts my neck when I look up at him for too long..which is good enough, I'd say.

Fuck.  Heavy shit for 6 formal days.

Anyway.

That's your fill.

Dr. Roberts.

If he loved me why the fuck could he never be bothered with me.

If he wanted me why could he never be bothered to try.

If he wants his shit back why can't he be arsed to ask for it.

If he wants to get at me why can't he even try to.

If he wants to stay in contact with me then why can't he be arsed to do anything about it?

And why oh why when I potentially have the closest thing to the one I've ever met or even thought of and he thinks the same at my fingertips...WHY can he still get to me?

Answer time.

Because we all have our weak moments.

It's the ones around us who most of the time don't even realise they cheer you up, who can really cheer you up.

There's nothing to keep my shield up.  At the same time, there's no reason for my shield.  

God, boy..it must be easy for you <3

Rings.

Recently my dad gave me a ring of my grandfather's.  It is a gold band with a round bit at the front which has two scratches on from it simply having always been worn.  On the inside of that ring is the name "Freddie" engraved.  Freddie is a nickname of the abbreviation Fred, coming from Winifred, which is my grandmother's name.

My grandmother died when my dad was 17.  My grandfather died a long, long time after that; my dad was over forty when he died.  My dad doesn't remember my grandfather ever not wearing the ring.

I want someone who would do that.

Music

There are few songs which really make me feel something.  Make me feel some kind of overwhelming emotion which I can sometimes simply not contain.

Jack The Ripper used to be physically painful to listen to due to the shit tied to it.  Which is, for those who don't know, when I was first with Oli I once cheated on him and felt so bad that I broke up with him.  I listened to AFI's cover of JtR on loop whilst doing so.  hence, when we got back together I found it very difficult to listen to.  Seriously.  It dragged me so far down one time that I sat talking to someone about how stupid self harm was with a key digging into the palm of my hand because I needed the pain.  I have never told anyone that so I apologise if it sounds attention seeking or anything similar.  I listened to it on loop that night, and had a terrible day the next day.

Something About Us, by Daft Punk, made me feel something deep down.  It's because I relate it entirely to Jack because it states our feelings towards each other completely.  Well almost completely, due to our degrees =p (not that anyone will understand that).  So now I listen to that song an awful lot and the lyrics make me feel the same thing every time.

Faction, by Less Than Jake, was exactly right when I needed it: when I got very very angry and took it all out in a rant to Millie and Jack, then went out and ran along Old Shoreham road for no particular reason with it playing really loud in my ears.  It was right then and sometimes it's right again.

As I've discovered today, Muse's old stuff - Origin Of Symetry especially - makes me feel brilliant.  It makes me feel like stretching and releasing all the crap I'm thinking, feeling, or over-bereaving. (I only said that cos it rhymes, but wh'ever).

Now I want to write something else, so will go do that.

Forever.

Something a lot of people appear to have forgotten is the weight of words.  As is apparent, the one I'm picking on today is "forever".  No one seems to realise that forever means for always.  Beyond this life and beyond any others which may or may not be.  Thus, the phrase "I will love you forever" can hardly be one which is promised to anyone.  I strongly believe that promises should be kept, otherwise the meaning of the word "promise" is also largely demeaned.  A promise means that you will or will not do something, so get it straight.  If you promise to keep a secret, then don't tell anyone.  It's easy.

I have never said I will love someone forever.  It's a stupid thing to say.

If I had then I'd be screwed; especially if I'd promised it to Oli.  I'd have to make myself.

That'd be difficult, because at the moment I am quite at a loss as to why Oli and I lasted for so long.  I'd been out of love with him for ages and the relationship had almost always been one way; so that I arranged seeing each other and I always went to his.  Actually that's not true, some Tuesdays he went to mine because it made it easier for me.

Believe me, we did have good times... I just can't remember them at the moment.

My Little Empire.

I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, as I don't really have anything to say, but I don't have any followers on this blog and I'm pretty sure that no one will see it.  Which actually makes it better.

I don't have anything to say.  I just don't want anyone to see what I don't have to say.

Kay.  So life.

Recently - a week ago, in fact - Oliver Roberts and I broke up after 2 and a half years.  I'm pretty sure I'd been out of love with him since December..and for about two or so months we'd only seen each other a few times - very few.  So I moved on.  I now very strongly like Jack, who is now my boyfriend (that doesn't sound like the right word).  I won't say my feelings are stronger than that, because they're not..not yet.  Besides, if I say that then he'll actually sound like a rebound, which he is not.  159°, I'd say.  He'd understand that.  Anyway.  

So I'm slightly nervous that Oli'll find out.  It'd hurt me if he did the same.  I don't wanna hurt him.  I don't love him but he still means a lot to me and I care about him.  Thing is, there's only a part of me which truley cares.  Because I've been moving on for a while, to Jack, which is why we're together so soon.  He's my best friend and at the same so much more.  We once spent ages hugging on his sofa and all I could think of was kissing him.  He doesn't know that, but no one does.  Well done, you're the first.

Well let's face it.  I'm not that concerned about Oli.  I'm very much of the opinion that everything happens for a reaosn.  Thus: he gets hurt it was meant to happen; he has already moved on, it was meant to happen.  It's how I get through things and how - in a way - I justify things to myself.

So everything previously has added up to me being with Jack; be writing this even though I still don't know what I have to say; and if it happens then me watching High Fidelity in not too long.  It's almost like this undeniable belief I have is like a substitute for God.  I don't believe in God or organised religion, so sometimes it seems like I need something to believe in.  Well I do need something to believe in.  It's one of those things... a bit strange but always there.  Maybe, therefore, I believe that because everything amounts to one thing: a single moment before you die of perpetual bliss - or agony, whatever - which dictates whether your life has been as good as it could've been or not.  I don't think that anyone /really/ can be born bad.  I believe it's how they choose to become, by the people they spend time with, the clothes they wear, the music they listen to and the label they give themselves.  People don't put others in boxes unless the boxee lets themself be so.

Anyway, wtf was that about?  As I said, I have nothing to say and thus will rant about everything.  I don't think I said that actually, but it should have become clear by now.

There was one particular thing I wanted to put here.  That at one point today, which I spent most of with Jack, just before he kissed me at one point, I thought how brilliantly right I felt.  How it felt being with him.  But, to be completely honest, that kinda worries me...not because it's wrong, as I just said it's very very right...but because I see a future with Jack, and I'm worried that one of us will want something else, someone else, at some point.  It wouldn't be suprising as we're bloody 16! .. I mean, there's a whole lot of life ahead of us.

Jesus, I think too much.  It's ridiculous.  I mean seriously, that was the most ridiculous thought proces I've had in a while.  Everything Happens For A Reason!  So if we break up in a week, which I doubt, a few years, or never, it's all meant to happen.  Even if we break up then end up together again.  It is all meant to happen.

I've always ovr-thought things.  Made the tiniest thing way more complicated just because, I dunno, I want a problem or something.  See, there is no problem between Jack and I.  There is no point at all in being worried about nothing at all.  I mean seriously; wasn't that just the most pointless worry ever published?  C'est ridicule.

I'm just looking at a post I wrote just under a year ago.  It's very interesting.  Well I say that.  I don't mean it.  I tried reading it and couldn't be arsed, really.  Anyone who read that must have too much spare time on their hands.  Though I did forget the most flattering part about Henry.  At the end of my pony club camp when I had him, Seona said "now for the category of best rider.  Cat has not been included in this so that we would give the others a chance... that's why she's on my bloody horse!"

I can't believe how much I've not listened to Alkaline Trio...I well like some of their songs.

Now Run Along My Little Nightmare.

<3.

Taxxed from Kati.

http://www.veryawesomeworld.com/awesomebook/inside.html

Believe in the unbelievable.

Dream of the impossible.

Wish for the terrifying.

And remember, you'll find your talent when you least expect it.