I feel good

That's about it =)

Merry Christmas

It's 7:06 on Christmas morning and I feel crapp.

Bleh.

I want someone to fancy. The only person around is Alex so I kinda like him, but it's a bad idea. I know that it's only because there's no one else around and I desperately miss the hugs which come with a relationship. That's all I miss, though. And we don't suit each other, and if we got together it'd just be odd. Let's be honest. And I don't want to hurt him - he's a babe. I love him vair much platonically and that's good.

I feel a lil better now.

I'm seeing him on the 27th before a Christmas meal with our friends, and all we'll do is talk and shit. I'm actually really looking forwards to it, we'll be going on a walk thing with our cameras basically, on the downs. It'll be good.

That's cheering me up.

If I want someone to flirt with I should just hush up until I'm back at college, where I can flirt with someone or something. There are loadsa people there. I'll probably flirt with Jonny. Actually that's ideal, cause I know he doesn't like me and probably won't give a crap. As long as Charli's ok with it, and I don't see why she wouldn't be.

I still need to get Dave a christmas present...lol.

Now, merry Christmas you beautiful people. Have a fantastic time and enjoy the time you spend with your family; it doesn't happen all the time so love it. Even if you argue and punch someone, let that punch have love.

I'm gonna try and go back to sleep or something now.

Love you all!

I

had a great night. That is all. Ily.

Brum

It feels weird. I feel like a whole lot more time has passed than actually has... and i don't know why...

Strange stuff, I'll say.

That's all.

From Kati

LAST PERSON WHO
1. Slept in a bed beside you:

Jack?

2. Saw you cry:
My ma

3. Went to the movies with:

I can't remember tbh, prob Jack

4. You went to the mall with:

Jack?

5. You went to dinner with:

My mum

6. You talked to on the phone:
Millie

7. Said I love you to you and really meant it:

Kati ;D
8. Broke your heart:

Charles. Looong time ago.
9. Made you laugh:
James

WOULD YOU RATHER?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue:
Nose

2. Be serious or be funny:
Funny!

3. Drink whole or skimmed milk:
Skimmed?

4. Die in a fire or drown:
Fire...

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies:
Parents. I like them.

DO YOU PREFER..
1. Flowers or chocolates:
Chocolatee

2. Grey or black:

Black
3. Colour or Black and white photo:

Depends on subject matter
4. Lust or love:

Luuurve.
5. Sunrise or sunset:
Sunset. More reliable.

6. M&Ms or Skittles:

Skittles (L)
8. Staying up late or waking up early:

Waking up early

DO YOU PREFER...
1. Sun or moon:

Sunn
2. Winter or Autumn:

Autumn
3. Left or right:

Right
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends:

Two best friends, no doubt.
5. Sun or rain:

Depends on my mood. Generally sunshiiiiine.
6. Fave ice cream:

Ben and Jerry's, probably choc brownie.
7. Vodka or Jack Daniels:

Never had JD, so vodka.

ABOUT YOU!
1. What time is it:

8.06
2. Name:

Caitlín C. Hodges
3. Nickname(s):

Cat / Meow
4. Where were you born:

My mum's room
5. What is your birthdate:

3/11/92
6. What do you want:

Nothing in particular, atm.
7. Where do you want to live:

France
8. How many kids do you want:

2
9. What would you want to name a girl:

Soña
10. What would you want to name a boy:

Lucas/Finn
11. You want to get married:
Probably, yes

UNIQUE!
1. Nervous Habits:
Biting nails

2. Double Jointed:
No

3. Can you roll your tongue?
Yes

4. Can you raise one eyebrow?
Yes

5. Can you cross your eyes:

Yes
6. Do you make your bed daily:
No, too lazy

7. Which shoe goes on first:

I dn't know....right?
8. Ever thrown one at someone:
I don't think so

9. On the average, how much money do you carry around?

Not a lot. Enough for the bus.
10. What jewellery do you wear:
My watch

Other:
1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it:

twiirl
2. Have you ever eaten Spam:

No, thankfully
3. Favorite ice cream:

Same as five minutes ago
4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet:

Several
5. What's your favorite beverage:

Orange squash with lemonade // exotic joos
7. Do you cook:

Yes, when I need to

IN THE LAST MONTH, HAVE YOU? (YES OR NO)
1. Had a b/f or g/f:

Yes
2. Bought something you didn't need:

Yes
4. Sang in front of people:

No, unless walking down the street counts
6. Been hugged:

Yes
7. Felt stupid:

Ofc
9. Got drunk:

Not really..
10. Got high:

No
11. Danced Crazy:
Yes

12. Gotten your hair cut:

No


---



FRIENDSHIP:

How many friends can you say have truly had your back?
2 or 3
Who can you count on to keep your secrets?
Kati
Do you have a best friend?
Yes
Can you count on somebody to always make you laugh?
Yuss =)
Have you ever been somebody's "shoulder to cry on "?
Yes
Is there any friend you have right now that you'd like to tell off?
No
Is there a friend right now you would like to thank?
Yes

FAMILY:

Can you honestly say you love your family?
Yes
Do you have somebody in your family to thank for being where you are?

My parents. What with genes and all.
Is there someone in your family you don't see enough?
Pod.

Who do you look up to most?
I don't really know..
Is there somebody who you think looks up to you?
Nah, not that I know of

RACE AND RELIGION:
Do you think it's right to preach a religion?
I don't see why not; it's expressing strong views...go for it.
Ever been mistaken for another race?
No...

LOVE:
Do you know what love is?
Yes
Are there different forms of love?
Yes: platonic; 'real'; family....
How do you know you're in love?
When they make your heart skip by signing into MSN, or something. Then again that could just be lust...god, I don't know, you just do.
Who can always give you butterflies?
No one at the moment. Ryan prob could...

HOBBIES:
Favorite hobby?
Horse riding
Would you say your obsessed with anything?
Not reeallly...
Are you currently in the Twilight craze?
I like the books (ish) and I might see the film. Not apart from that, no.

FAVOURITES:
Favorite Movie?

Sliding Doors

Favorite Color?

Green and purple

Favorite Actor/Actress?

James Nesbitt
Favorite Singer/Band?

Paramore, Frank Turner, The Beautiful Word

Favorite Show?

Never Mind the Buzzcocks (L)

RANDOMS:
Are you on medication?
No
When did you last take a nap?
When I was tired at midday
Do you have a song that can remind you of somebody?
Several
Do you eat snail guts for a toon?
...no.../=
Do you keep track of things on a calender?
No. I don't have a calender.
Got a special item that you had since you were a kid?
Ella, my bunny ^,^
Are you a young money millionaire?
No
Whats the weirdest thing someones ever said to you?
I've no idea. There have been quite a few.
Do you know what a willis and doodle berries are?
No

GIRLS:
Do you get along with girls?
Some
Any girl you'd give your life for?
No. No offence.
What do you believe is the best thing about being a girl?
That you have an excuse to be a bitch once a month.
Do you know a really strong woman?
No, I don't think so.

BOYS:
Do you like boys?
Yes
Do you get along with boys?
Yes
Any boy you'd give your life for?
No
What do you believe is the best thing about being a boy?
Sex?
What's the best thing about boys?
Their penises.
Who's a man you look up to?
My pappy
Who is your favorite boy?
My brother? I don't really have one atm.

LAST QUESTIONS:
Are you glad this is coming to an end?
I would be if it actually was, but the scrolly thing isn't even half way yet.
What are you listening to?
Frank Turner - Better Half
Do you like facebook?
A bit too much XD
Do you text?
Again, a bit too much.
Will anybody post this after you?
Doubt it.
When was the last time you wished the day would just get over with?
Friday

Are you currently warm, cold, or content?
Cold toes but the rest is good
What is one word you seem to always misspell that you know you shouldn't?
"rien" in French. And when it's typing, I can misspell most.
When was the last time you broke down and cried?
Actually broke down was quite a while ago.
Do you find yourself trying to be strong for others?
Sometimes, it depends.
Are you listening to anything right now? If so give us a lyric?
You Live To Dance Another Day, Just Now You Have To Dance For The Two Of Us.
Do you like the night or day better?
Day
Is there anyone you'd like to fix things with?
Not really, not any more.
Choose: Bonfire on a beach or Clubbing in the city?
Bonfire on a beach
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
About 7
Is there anything you'd like right now?
A hug ^,^
What was the last thing you ate?
Those random fruity things James bought. Mmmm.
Do you tell people the truth even if it'll hurt them?
No
Would you say that you are an intelligent person?
Average, yes
Would you say that you are an understanding person?
Generally...but that doesn't mean I know what to say about it all.
Are you easily angered?
Nah
Would you say that you are emotionally strong?
I like to think so
Have you ever given a lap dance?
No
Who was the last boy you hugged?
James
If someone asked you if you were available, you'd say?
Depends who's asking, but today it's a "sorry, essay" day.

------

Do you think two people can last forever?
That would mean that they would have to have been born at the begining of time and never split up. So no. I think that from when they get together they can, but I think that it's important for them both to have "lived" beforehand: if they've done what they want to then sure. (That's both parties..just by the way)
Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever?
No. I want it to change as I do and I want it to let me grow up.

Are you cheating on someone right now?
No (though who would say yes? really?)
Anyone of the opposite sex been on your mind lately?
Not reeally
Are you nice to everyone?
Yeah, basically
Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?
Not really. Owen if anyone, but I don't really miss him.
Are you wearing any make up right now?
Last night's eyeliner.
Have you kissed more than ten people this year?
No - I've hardly played any truth or dare.
Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly?
Yeah
Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot?
We did
Three days from now will you be in a relationship?
No.
If someone hit you, what would you do?
Go: OMG O=!!!!
Will this weekend be a good one?
I hope so, but essay will prob be a dampener.
Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
My dad cause i was just talking to him, and Charlotte, Kim, Debbie and Trevor because I'm about to see them.
Is your heart broken right now?
No
Were you happy when you woke up today?
I can't remember o.O
What were you doing at 3 a.m last night?
Sleeping (I just spelt that speeling)
What color is your shirt?
Yellow
When was the last time you cried really hard?
really hard? i don't know.
Do you think you've changed over the past year?
Yes
Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Not that I won't be soon
Does anyone know your password besides you?
Depends what for. I don't think so.
Would you date someone 8 years older than you?
Yeah, probably. Prob only when I'm a bit older.
Do you sleep on your stomach?
Sometimes
This time last year, were you single?
Non
Is it easy to annoy you?
Sometimes. It depends on who you are.
What woke you up this morning?
My body clock getting bored..
Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Kati but she's straightening her hair atm
When you say you don't care do you mean it?
I don't, tbh.
Did you have a dream last night?
Yeah...I think...
Want someone back in your life?
Not really. This question has been asked in various forms about 3 times, though.
What's something you can't wait for?
Holidays. I don't even care what I do any more, I just want a break from this WORK
Have you ever lied to spare someones feelings?
Yes
Do you act differently around the person you like?
No
Is your hair longer than your shoulders?
Yes
Could things possibly get any better?
Only by magic
Whose car were you in today?
My pappy's
How late did you stay up last night?
Half midnight or something...so not very
Have you kissed anyone today?
No
Is it okay to kiss people when you're single?
I don't see why not.
Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Yes
What were you doing at 12am last night?
Saying by to James and Skah
Are you excited for summer?
Not really. There's a lot to happen before.
Are you going to have a good night?
No idea. I'll probably be cleaning tack..
Have you ever lied to anyone about how you feel?
Yes
Is it more common for you to follow your heart or your mind?
Mind probably: it's generally a concious decision which to follow.
Did someone screw you over lately?
No =]
Is your room ever clean?
No. Unless it has to be.
Do you like to cuddle?
Yus ^,^
Are you keeping a secret right now?
No
Are you sarcastic?
Yes -- it makes for fun times ;D
What’s something that bothers you about girls?
Bitchiness, attention seeking and hypocrisy. The amount of girls I know which say "omg she is so two faced"...well what are YOU doing then?? Being two faced!!
Ever kissed someone who smokes?
Yes. Ew.
Promise you won't lie?
Er, ok.
Have you kissed anyone in the past 10 days?
No
Are you shy?
Not really
Can you see a cat from where you're sitting?
Not unless you count me. Hahahaha FUNNY.
Were you ever obsessed with Vitamin Water?
No...
Could you date someone taller than you?
Yes - I prefer taller people.
Do you like your life right now?
Yes, on average.
Do you think before you speak?
Not really. To an extent, yes, but to another, no.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in the face?
I don't know. I don't really "do" punching.
Do you think anyone has feelings for you?
Unfortunately. Kai.
You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Well Kai, now -.-
Was today better than yesterday?
Not really no..I've not done much today
Honestly, what's running through your mind?
Blank spaces
Have you ever asked a girl for advice?
Often
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Buzz didn't buck =)
Ever kissed under water?
Um, no, but I think I'll put it on my to do list.
Do you straighten your hair often?
Vair rarely. So rarely I've done it 2 maybe 3 times in my life.
Who was the last person you saw in person?
James
How are you feeling?
Tired
Is there something you're not looking forward to?
Yes, but tbh I don't know what. Possibly this essay i'm putting off.
Do you think guys truly understand girls?
No, not really, because they're full of shit a lot of the time ^,^
What are you doing for your next birthday?
PartAy, methinks.
Are you usually wide awake in the morning?
Yeah, after a couple of minutes.

What is something that you realized today?
Something that I won't post here
Do you ever use words like stoked, stouped or sick?
No
Ever been lied to by someone you thought would never lie to you?
Yes
Do you think anyone's lying to you right now?
Probably.
Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?
James
Last person you told a secret to?
Dunno. Kati probably.
Do you like hugs and kisses?
Vair much [=
Have you laughed REALLY hard?
Yes and I love doing it =D
Name something you did yesterday?
Laugh and walk
What was the last thing you cried over?
Buzz
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Kinda
Do you like to listen to the radio when you are in the car?
I like to, but I don't do it all the time.
Are you single?
Yes
How is your hair right now?
Tied back in a ponytail
Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
No (fingers crossed)

---------

Do you like life right now?
Generally, yes
What's going on with the person you like?
I'll telly uo as soon as I like someone
Do you have a headache?
Not really but slightly
What's the best way to tell someone you love them?
With words.. To their face.
On the last new years eve, what did you do?
Have people round and play sing star ;D
Have you ever drank under 21.
Yes
How was your Christmas?
I can't even remember last year's one. Weird, I think.
What are you doing for Spring Break?
No idea..it's a long way away.
What was your least favorite class?
Spanish
Do you talk on the phone more at night or during the day?
Depends when Millie rings haha
What's your favorite board game?
Scrabble...today.
Where do you want to go to college?
6th form - Lewes. Duh. Uni? No fucken idea.
Do you think you're smart?
Average
What's your favorite song right now?
Don't know....
Do you watch Hannah Montana?
No cos it's shite

How much stress can you handle?
Exactly some
What is something you have to do before you go to sleep every night?
Take my bra off
At what point in your life do you think you will be truly happy?
When I stop wishing.
Have you ever set 2 people up and it actually work out?
Yeah but I regretted it afterwards XD
How many times have you looked at a picture and wished you were there?
Too many
When is the last time you were drunk?
Tipsy, last night.
Do you have a lot of bruises right now?
No
What website do you log onto right when you get online?
Facebook.
Did you get laid last night?
No
Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Daphne my driving instructor
Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
Cold lemonade
Do you believe it is possible to be in love with someone you've never actually spent time with?
I can't say I'd know...but I'm suspicious of it.
If your partner was unable to have sex due to illness or injury, would you stay with them?
Yes: there would probably be more to the relationship than sex.
When was the last time you saw a cop?
About 20 mins ago o=
How easy was it to get over the person you last liked?
I can't remember tbh.
Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yes
Were your last three kisses from the same person?
If we're talking lips then yes
Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
Yes. It caused once Louis to send back: "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN HIGHER" which was confusing until I realised and burst out laughing XD

When was the last time you were told you were cute?
I don't know
How has the week been?
Alright
Do you call the last meal of the day dinner or supper?
Dinner
When will your next kiss be?
I have no idea
Would you ever live with someone who didn't accept your pets?
Depends...?
What is one thing you would love to happen tomorrow?
It's a secret.
Would you immediately look for someone right after you and your bf/gf broke up?
Nah...not /really/. I'd notice hot people, but not much more.
What color is your digital camera?
Black
Out of your friends, who do you trust most?
Kati
Do you want to see somebody right now?
Kinda..
What woke you up yesterday morning?
My dad
What are you thinking about right now?
How things have turned out
Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don't like?
Sometimes. It depends who it is...but it's happened before.
What are your plans for tomorrow?
Long ride, lotsa work, and a long bath.
Does anyone call you baby?
No, and no one has before
At what age did you stop believing in Santa Claus?
No idea
Do you listen to music while you're on the internet?

Generally, yes

The events of my evening

While they're fresh in my mind, I figure, why not talk about them? I don't feel like going to sleep.

So I went to Brighton station then on to Preston Park (without a ticket o=) and met Millie there. I saw her new house (reeally nice, btw), then we walked down to Aaron's with Skah and James and chips. When we got to Aaron's we were sitting around for a bit until we went to Sainsbury's, where Alex and James bought stuff and Kai bought dr pepper. Then James, Alex and Kai (?) went to some other shop for more stuff, while me Millie and Skah walked back. When everyone was back, we sat around with cider and watched Scrubs then South Park. It was .. kay. Then people started drinking stronger stuff and smoking, and Kai started flirting with me more, so mostly in an effort to get away, I went and sat on the floor with Skah, where we had a little rave and game of "see see my bonnie" or however it's spelt - yano, the clappy thingy - then I stopped wanting to be there. I asked if anyone wanted to go outside, as it's really damn hot there, so went out with James and Kai. It was weird. Kai was flirting. I'm so so bad at being around drunk people.. I assume it's because of my uncle and so on, but there we go...

Anyway, me James and Kai then went for a walk. We walked down the Lewes road until a bit before Shabitat (quite a bit, but still...!) then back again. Then we were inside for about five minutes: Millie was hyperventilating, then took another drink [^o)] then Skah grabbed Millie's bag so James and I took our leave again. Shortly followed by Kai, of course. He invited me to his place on Sunday with various other people. I was liek...."i'll see how my essay is......" (means nooooo!)

Anyway, Skah came outside and was sick(ish) in the gutter. Which was the best timing ever because James had litterally just finished saying what attention seekers our friends are. It made me lol I must say. Then Millie came outside and burped at everyone, making me really nervous. WHY am i SO nervous around drunk people? It's ridiculous, seriously. Mill wasn't even that drunk. Still, James, Kai and I then just stood around outside. (i might have got the order mixed up: we could've gone for the walk here. I can't remember =/) Then Skah got "properly" drunk and acted all violent and started hiting a towel pretending it was Patrick. Then Patrick arrived. We all (apart from Millie and Aaron) sat around outside. I ended up really fucken cold, so Livvie leant me her hoody, and when Skah had finished attention seeking (blah) and we went to another shop, James lent me his hoody to wear over the top of mine, which was really rather nice of him. When we got back, we just went. I walked back with Skah and James, which proved amusing. And partly tedious, but mostly amusing, because James makes me lol, lots.

So that's the low down and I hope you enjoyed it.

Good night, now, world. ily.

Tappa.

Rest in soft peace.

I can't believe how much Mr. Fawcett's death has affected me.  I feel really sad, really really.  He was just ... a brilliant person.  They could've gotten rid of Barbara instead.  She's an old, mad, blind woman who's costing my dad and aunt a LOT of money from their inheritance.  It's crap.

I hope he realised how much he meant to so many people.

I can't believe how many of them think that they're the only one.

He helped my brother one fuck of a lot.

I feel INSPIRED

LoveSong.

I'm going to write the name of the songs that I'm listening to, as it could come over significant. Maybe. Anyway.

I just read kati's new blog and it's amazing. I mean, I've felt very weighed down recently. It's been hard to breathe, yano? I've felt pressure and from nowhere you'd expect based on this blog alone.

So.

Jack,

You say that you are changing back into the person you should be? You're not (Alkaline Trio - Mercy Me) ... you're changing into the person you thought I wanted. Which, granted, I did. Everything happens for a reason, so let go and chill. You'll meet someone else and you'll be happy. Stop talking about dying, too. It's irritating. Anyway, you shoud read Kati's new blog: http://katiinwonderland.blogspot.com/2009/11/analysing-show.html

It's nothing to do with you but it could be useful.

So, I think (Muse - Sunburn) that you're not changing into who you think you should be, but you're changing into what you think I want you to be. That's not right. That means that you'll rely on me entirely and that you'll find life very hard once I'm gone (Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson). Even though you think otherwise, you need to face up to your dad's death and get some hlp. Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. You're a good person, I promise: help yourself. You could change the world, boy, so go for it.

Take A Look At Yourself And Make A Change.

Aurevoir tous toutes (L)

Happiness and ... other.

Other first.

Buzz, yesterday, put in a really big buck which made me nervous and shocked me. It reminded me of Goulash: it was the same style as when Brady got on him.

Today, again, he bucked. Less big but still made me nervous: he took off across the field and was really pegging it; if I had trusted him i would've loved it. I thought he was going to do something mid-gallop, but when he didn't I relaxed, then he bucked - right by the fence.

The middle second.

Ray said it was probably a rebellion. Debbie and Charlotte were reeling off a list of what it could be and i fell for none of them. Ray, however, said "It's the same with breaking: there's a point where they learn everything, then rebell. That's the turning point: they either sort it out and conform, or...don't."

Happy third.

I love having my friends back, I love my aunt and I love my cousin.

(=

Just by the way

Amy Studt is amazing

She's small and beautiful and creative and has an amazing vocal range. And she said it was nice to meet me. And I bought a scrapbook she made.........and i love itt (L)!!!

If.

If we wget back together how will I know that it's not just because I don't want to hurt you?

Because I still care about you, just don't think I love you. And yes, there is a difference, and yes you can do one without the other.

If we get back together how do I know that everything wont just change back? And don't just say "it won't".

If we get back together how do I know that you will accept that I spend time with my family, and accept that I hve a horse thus spend time riding it? The only ways that you have so far is by being forced to do so. It hasn't gone unnoticed that you haven't wanted to.

How will I know that I'm doing the right thing? How will I know that it's not just to spare your feelings? And what the FUCK happens if in three more months everything's gone backwards?

You've not been as depressed since your councellor but you're not sorted out. You've not had the chance to test it. You may relate your depression to something good, but pretty soon afterwards you'll wonder why it had to change.

Cravings

It does so happen that I have, twice in two days, craved - but not as strong a word as that..more fancied the idea of - a cigarette. It was only today that I realised I wanted to be popular and have a social life. To, right now, not be sat at home on my own, but to be out and with my friends. For that reason, I regret having ditched the Blatch people. I know they annoyed me but everyone annoys me, so I should've put up with it. It's not like I have a lot of problems /for/ them to help me through, anyway.

Now, however, it is difficult to do that. Because Charli's lot live in Seaford, Rob and Louis' lot - not that I know them anyway - live in Newhaven and Chantelle lives in some village somewhere. That makes life really rather difficult.

I dislike it.

So there we go.

*dramatic sigh*

I can't believe that tomorrow I'm back to college. Where did half term go? I was so busy working i didn't have time to relax.

Buzz can't be ridden today; he's got the runs. I so want to go riding, even though it's pissing it down. Oh well. I hope, so so so much, that he's OK for Tuesday. No riding on my birthday would suck so fucking much.

I really hope that Charli remembers my birthday. I'll feel so shite if I have to remind everyone I know. Especially Charli; she knows that it is. She's going away in a week, which sucks. With Lucie and Zoe too, so I'll be left with Kristina and/or Alec and co. Sigh.

I feel so crap for not riding. I so want to! I need to get my rug so will give him the biggest hug ever. I hope Ray won't turn him out before I see him. If he's going out. He's not clipped so would be on his own and either very wet or too hot. My head's throbbing.

At least I have time to finish my work and see Jack.

I wonder if my mother remembered him for my birthday.

If she says there won't be enough meat I'll get irritated.

SIGH.

-- It's A Circle, I Mean Cycle -- ... -- We're Not The Same. -- ... -- The Change Is Good -- ... -- It's Nice To Meet You Sir, I Guess I'll Go, I Best Be On My Way.

ARGH

Why do i let such insignificant motherfuckers affect me so much?

Millie's a twat which is why I stopped talking to her.

So FUCK HER.

To think that so recently I was happy and peaceful, thinking of doing something like getting loads of people down to St Annes so that I could see them and make peace with them. Fuck that for a load of biscuits.

Jack suggested that to get my mind off this I should go for a walk. But, tbh, there's no point. I went for a ride, which was great, but it's no use. When I come back everything comes crashing down on my shoulders anyway.

Then again maybe i will. (Party i mean).

It's not just Millie who would be there; it'd be a chance to see people I like (esp the ones I like in small doses; perfect for that). I could just invite them all to St Annes and if I get pissed off go talk to someone I know I like; Jack if he's there, Tron if Jack's not...etc.

I wish I was riding again tomorrow. But I have c/w to do so am getting Alice to... but how I want to just go back to Lewes, canter across the downs (let's just imagine that Buzz goes when on his own) and canter away from everything, and into this beautiful serenity.

Hmm

I feel like my mind is completely empty. Not blank, not stupid, just...empty. It's not like I can't think of something. I just can't think of nothing. I feel like cocooning myself and crying and shutting out the bad bits of the world.

why is it that people bitch so much? Why tell someone someone's inner feelings just because they irritated you?

I can't eat my bacon sandwich, it doesn't appeal. Instead I'm pumping myself full of chocolate biscuits and fanta. My kind of alcohol.

I'm going to miss my train.

I am not happy.

A while ago I sent an email to Millie telling her why I was unhappy with her.

It basicalyl said that she was using me because I didn't stand up for myself like her other friends do so she doesn't have the confidence that her other friends will be there for her.

She replied saying the obvious, that it was wrong, and so the conversation continued.

Today I went to Blatch to see Fi, Amy and - as it happened - Sam, Livvie, Jamie and Kelly. Kelly started talking about going to St Anne's, which Amy has started doing. Livvie was nice. Amy said that she knew of the conversation...because she had seen it.

Not only had Millie bitched about me, she had also shown the fucking email to other people.

If I wanted other people to know, I would have written what I said on her wall.

At least I now remember completely why I'm not friends with her any more.

This place.

This world is full of people who use others. And that's that.

I find it slightly depressing how my brother didn't really talk to me then texted me to find out how much a gig was for him.

Sex and Hair.

What I don't understand is why hair products, and beauty products, are sold using the appeal of sex and attracting the opposite sex. You should make yourself feel good and look beautiful so that YOU feel better about YOU, not some other weird way. Sure, it's good to be looked up; it makes you feel even better, but seriously, should that really be the ultimate goal of everything?

It is not bad to be alone. I know I'm not the best person to say that; I've been single in the past three years (ish) for almost two months if you add all the time up collectively, but seriously. Feel good so that when you and your friends go out you're not afraid to laugh; don't act terrified of everything beyond it. It's good and fun to flirt, but looking good only to attract the opposite sex really shouldn't be the ultimate goal.

Here endeth the rant.

My dream last night.

This was weird. Really weird.

It started off me having had sex with Mike (...i think). It was then the last day of school and I was sitting on a bus, probably on a school trip, next to someone I can't remember, talking. There was a part of the journey that we both loved so we were talking about it and getting all excited. We then got to school and I was taking photos with Millie. I realised that Jack wouldn't like me taking photos with Millie, so I stopped taking them of her and went for a wander wher eI saw Fi and Amy. Fi on the top of a hill and Amy sitting on it with Nanique; I went past them to get to Fi first. I was then in a classroom and the person from the bus sat next to me so that Carolina wouldn't. I think the room then turned into a bus and I was being really horrible to Carolina and Millie, I tihnk, telling them how I felt and not letting them see my eyes because I covered them with a weird piece of material which I connected between two posts where I was sitting. Then I met Kati and we sat in Churchill Square talking for a bit, then walked to this weird place which seemed to be Jack's but it was strange; there was a building to my left which had a large empty part and stairs which went up on the right. Jack went up there to put alcohol away and I thought I could hear him clanging the bottles about and so forth so I tried to see him, thinking he'd be near, but he wasn't. Opposite there was a little hut thing which was being repainted which Kati and I think Millie (but thin and possibly Swedish looking) who had joined us found fascinating because it wasn't having the colour changed or anything. I tried to tell them that it was being varnished but they ignored me. Jack then came down from his flat and went behind a bush to pee, and me and Kati kept walking. I was looking at that bush for some reason and saw him sitting down with his p-p out and was like "wtf why sit down behind a bush?"

Then I woke up.

Small, well appointed future. Semi detatched.

Today was gay pride and I didn't go.

I didn't go because I didn't want to.

Instead of going I went cycling with dad, which I found highly enjoyable. I then went to Jack's and spent a lot of the time that I was with him crying into his shirt because my mother was making me so fucking miserable.

Because I hadn't been to pride, I wasn't really in the mood for several people to harp on at me about how great it was and how much I missed out on. I personally think that's understandable as it makes for several /very/ uninteresting conversations. So I'm spending tonight at my dad's and am going to go out for a bike ride early tomorrow, before going to London with Jack. That is what I told my mum originally, because it honestly is part of the reason. I told her the whole reason (not being down with being ranted at about what I missed out on), and she started crying on the phone and said "ok, bye".

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.

Jack pointed out that she's more dramatic and emotional because she's been pissed since about 10am, but then speaking to Dad made more sense.

She shows me off.

I am the prize because I am going through conventional schooling in the typical manner and not doing too badly at it. I hope.

Because Pod has done things off his own back and in his own way, and floated around being with people for some times and not for others, he's expected to be like that. I've always been there, or I haven't. I've never left half way through and her being her she probably can't understand why I wouldn't want to go to a day long piss up. Me deciding to sleep at my dad's would've been the worst thing in the world because I'm not being sociable with her friends. Clearly that means I am turning my back on her, her life and everything else to do with her. Even though I specifically asked when she'd be around tomorrow so that I can see her.

that, my friends, is why this well appointed future will be semi detatched. I will be the one detatched from it; attatched only in the way that I have to be there. Well appointed by her, decided and planned perfectly to suit her needs.

I really don't think she cares about my well being; otherwise she might realise that I'm right about Millie, for example. Dad does.

Sometimes I almost - almost - wish that she /would/ move to London.

I can't believe I just said that.

Note To Self

Do these when back on MacC

http://www.selfcreation.com/awareness/selfaware_questions.htm

Explanation Time

Kati this is mostly for you but you're not online so I can't tell you.

As you have obviously noticed I've been cutting myself off from the people I don't like.  That's a lot of people.  The closest people I've had to me for a long time have been you and Jack.  Even though we haven't been close recently, it's weird not saying "oh my best friend.."; even though I know you're still there it feels like you're more distant.  make sense? Probably because it is.

Currently, I am having a conversation on e-mail with Millie, who I have been dodgy friends with for a while.  She can be good but she can be so bad.  By the end of the friendship I had to force myself into the right mood to see her or I would end up disliking the time with her.

Not a good person to spend time with.  The problem is that I can't remember how annyoign she was.

Urrrgh.

I don't know.

I am closing myself off

I am doing it for reasons which are important to me: my happiness; my wellbeing; Jack.

I now have Jack and aquaintances.

THERE IS TOO MUCH HAPPENING

My dad just came in my room and told me that I need to talk to my mum. Fine.  Then he said "give the old bat a slap" as he left. SHE IS MY MOTHER. YES SHE ANNOYS ME BUT SHE IS STILL MY FUCKING MOTHER.

What's more, before -you- say anything, I cannot mention that to my father because i have tried and it has been deemed useless.

That made me unhappy.  Rather unhappy.

It's too much change.

Talking to Seona about horses. Weird.

Cutting out people I don't like.  Less.

I am not used to having so few places to turn to and so few people just with me, spending time with me.  Even when I didn't see people much I spent time talking to them, or something.

Moodchangemeansbye<3

Digital Love

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?

I am currently thinking of one of the first times I heard this song.

We were lying on my bed at my Dad's, and you were mouthing the words.

You wrapped your arms around me.

I love you so much, dammit.

Coming out of my shell.

This post could get personal.

OK.

I'm not going to delete anything that I write here.

If part of your blog /was/ about me, I think you're right.

If it's not then it feels relevant so I'm going to take it as inspiration anyway.

I think you're right.

Now I'm going to try and find out why.

I was going to write this in my personal diary, but I think you have a right to know.

What's been happening recently is I've been cutting the shit people out of my life.  The ones who never helped me, always said "I so would understand.." and then not follow through; the ones who just made me unhappy.  Unfortunately, the one who can change my mood most - yano, the one I'm related to.. - I can't cut the bad bits out of.  because that's now basically half of her.  I want her to be happy but I don't want her to inflict him so strongly on me.  I've not seen him since you said your comments about how my mum's looking at the whole malarchy....

Urgh fuck it.  I'm going to use names and be blunt about what I'm thinking, because that is one hell of a lot easier.

Since you said that my mum probably sees "family" as a way of bringing Dave more into the kinda house-unit-thing, I've not seen Dave.  He's taking my mum away for the weekend.

It's her birthday soon which obviously means he'll be around.  I don't know how to react.

What the hell has that got to do with anything?

I've been cutting myself off.  That's what I was trying to say.

What I think I'm doing is cutting myself off too much; retreating into myself because I don't bitch; don't get pissed off.  Honestly, I think that because I don't have enough to say I'm finding it harder to engage myself in things.

I'm pretty sure it's a stage, not least because I'm not going to actually try and get out of it.

Tell me if it continues.  (That is, without reason.  I am naturally feeling more unhappy more frequently recently, which you've probably gathered, so I find it harder to be more enthused at times.

But as I said: it's a stage.

Have just watched Best of Friends.  It's nice how they're so optimistic: "We'll be best of friends forever"..."It doesn't matter what happens we'll always be there for each other..."

Evn though it often doesn't happen, very often, optimism really is good.

Yay.!

Now, I tihnk it's about time for me to get ready for my exam.  A slow start and calm time will do me good.

Bye all.

I want to say

...so much.  Or it feels that way at the moment.

For ages I've not said what I want to say because I've said it before, in a lot of cases.  I've never said "I'll always love you" because I think it curses things.  If I say anything like that then it goes wrong, and I believe that too much to say anything like that to you.

But it just feels at the moment like nothing'll change that much.  I just can't see it going wrong.  The only thing that would be a problem would be me being stupid; and I'm going to avoid that.  But since you, I've hardly noticed other people.  Not in that way.

WHY DO I FEEL DOWN THERE IS NO FUCKING REASON

I piss myself off too much.

As you've said, I loved Oli.  So how do I /really/ know that this isn't the same?

that is the stupidest thing I've said for a very long time.

Come on and show them your love

Rip out the wings of a butterfly

I've saved you my last rolo.

Isn't that what you're meant to do?

Save the last rolo for the one you love.

I didn't bother with Oli: I eat rolos so rarely that I thought "screw him" and enjoyed my last rolo a lot.

Whenever I talk to Kati about my life she basically says that there's not much wrong with it.  I know that there's not much wrong with it.  I just sometimes randomly become really down.  Often late at night; often when not with you; often when I can't think of something to say.

We ran out of conversation topics long ago; probably by half way through March, the ammount we were talking through Febuary.

Right now I want to cling to you.  I just want to curl up and feel your arms around me.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

There's no reason.

I feel like I'm seeking attention or something, but I just really don't see why.  Or how, seeing as a maximum of three people read this blog, and it's probably actually two and one whenever he's bored and without "cute friends" at his house xP.

I often feel like you're acting around me.

I hate that.

So often you've said that you don't act around me that I've come to think that it's a thing you don't often do - not act, i mean.  Then I think of you around so many people.  And you don't act.  And then I feel less special; more insecure.  More insecure because at the moment I have like... 3 people I see.  You Kati and Fi.  I'm not seeing Kati because I'm going away and I don't think I can make it...I hope I do see Kati.  I need to; need to know I can.  I feel like I'm cutting myself off (if you're rolling your eyes then bloody stop it - I know that I am and I know why)...and now have no one.  No one but you and Kati, and sometimes Fi.  Fi is great; a great person.  But three people only have their charms.

I feel so fucking hollow.

So, so you think you can tell heavan from hell.

Blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field

From cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil;

Do you think you can tell?

I don't think I can live up to my mother's expectations so constantly.

She wants MORE support when she goes back to work.  How in hell am I meant to do that on my own?  Already I feel weighed down and that's just from clearing the kitchen; loading the dishwasher; emptying the dishwasher; washing what can't go in the dishwasher; drying said items; putting them away; wiping the surfaces; hoovering; cleaning the car's interior...How In Hell Am I Meant To Do More And Still Have Time To Live?

One of the reasons I love cantering Willis - fast - up to the top of Blackcap.  A moment in time when there is no one to tell me to do something.  I am my own boss and I decide what I want to do.  I look out over the houses and imagine the people living, not knowing what they're missing.  Those blissful moments of freedom.  They are the reasons I am a "happy hacker".

I still want more, though.

I wonder what'll happen come September.

Enjoy your rolos.