Guess What I Just Learned.

Jack The Ripper by AFI still hurts.

Some things will never leave; not really.

That's how regrets live on.

So, How About A Bit Of Life Story?

Some of my old blog posts were never published. Now deleted, but interestingly easy to see where the relevance came in: one of them was from when I was first having doubts about Chris but was too scared to say anything. It's a terrible idea, keeping your gob shut to keep other people happy. I tried it and it didn't work; I was miserable because of it. But I still didn't learn, and I doubt that I would've if not for Henrik.

That's what's got me in the mood for this kind of post, by the way... So.. enjoy ;D

Anyway, on to the story.

This blog is pretty behind with, well, everything, because I didn't blog for a long time and I updated this blog less than my other. It was meant to be more private, even though you can access one from the other very, very easily.

Anyway.

I think I'll pick up from after Alec. I'm in that kinda mood: a reminiscing one.

When Alec broke up with me, I was in pieces. He'd kinda influenced me to feel very strongly for him and to say "love" very quickly, which was something that seemed to mean more to me than him.

I completely rebounded from him to Jonny, which was a proper shame. Jonny and I were really good friends, and it completely ruined it. That said, by 3 months after our split, Jonny wasn't really someone that I wanted to know, but that's not the point. I broke up with J after Jamie told me that he liked me. I couldn't cope with it. I broke up with him and was single until I felt a bit better, which was September. I wasn't ready for a relationship, really, though. That summer was a long, not entirely pleasant one.. The Harry H incident happened, in which I was drinking with some friends when we met a guy who invited us back to his to drink. While we were there, the friends went outside and he locked the door and shut the window. I told him to open them when my friends, especially Ollie, were beating down the door to get let back in because they didn't want me on my own with him. Samar says that he was beating it down, but I can remember it only being Ollie; at the time, Samar said that he was going to just leave me to it, thinking that I wanted to get laid, or something.

I went on holiday to Suffolk after that and spent the entire time being phoned by this Harry lad, who I'd given my number to when I was plastered. I shouldn't get that drunk. I used to stop knowing what I was doing under those circumstances.

Anyway, by September, I was mates with Jordan when he threw a party and asked me out. I rejected him while simultaneously getting to know Chris, who I thought was good looking etc etc. I should've realised then that Chris isn't entirely... trustworthy with his recollections?? --when he explained a moment to a mutual friend: I got off a trampoline and dragged Jordan away because he was being particularly angry, and Chris said it was Jordan dragging me away. Special child.

Anyway, after that I spoke to Chris on Facebook. I remember basically making up a persona for him and hoping that he would stick to it and ignoring most signs that he wouldn't or whatever. I'm such an idiot.

We met up in Lewes once and spent ages there, went to the grange, etc. It was a good day.

We got together at Sam Chase's party and for about 2/3 months, things were beyond amazing. I think.

There were times, though, when things were less amazing. One example of this was Alex Fry's birthday, which was a kinda crap night. Chris had organised to go back with his friend to his home because I had 2 mates staying over at mine, who lived in Seaford so couldn't get back. However, this mate of his left early (or something) so Chris threw a strop when I didn't really want him back at mine. He proceeded to have a huge go at me for a long time, the entire time it took to walk home (a 15 minute walk made 45) and made me cry a number of times. Each time I let it bounce off me.. And I still slept with him that night. It's insane.

My friends started worrying when we had organised a girl's night out and Chris threw a strop because of it. His ex had always got with people on nights out, so obviously I was going to do the same. I didn't want to fight with him about it, so didn't go, or at least said I wouldn't. I said it was because I couldn't be bothered to argue with him. It was because I was so worn down. My friends were sitting, staring at me (we were sharing a booth in Weatherspoons, having a burger) and wondering what the fuck was up with me. Where had Cat gone, and who the hell was the shell of her they were with?

The worst night was after I'd broken up with him, when I felt ill and he decided that it was an avoiding him thing. Amy and I went to a pub together and because I felt sick, I went straight to the toilet. I then got some lemonade (Jimmy made me, grr Jimmy) and went and sat with that and a glass of water talking to people. Amazingly, I didn't go straight over to my ex. He came over to me though. He had a go at me for having "avoided him" and I was all, 'fu i feel ill'. Then he wouldn't leave my personal space, let alone leave me alone. He kept on taking me off to talk to him privately and kept on asking "why", "what ha[d he] done". I can't remember exactly what was said that night, probably because that's my defense mechanism: when a night like that happens, I don't want to remember what was said. Like when Jack made YouTube videos and sent me emails telling me what was wrong with me, I don't remember what was in them. Because I can't deal with it.

Anyway. I ran off to the toilets in floods of tears so many times that night. I broke down completely, Amy trying her best to be there but not having a clue what to do. Bless her. I wouldn't have made it through that night without her, I don't think. Not to mention Jake and Sam. I don't like Jake, I never have, but that night he walked up to Chris and said that he had been bullying me and had to stop. That I had become a shell of myself and it was all because of him. And for that, I love Jake. Sam saved me, by taking me away. They both stopped Chris from following me when I had to run to the toilet and break down.

When the pub closed, I wanted to leave immediately. The others went to the park so we tried to make Chris go too. He didn't. Instead he insisted on walking home with Amy and me. Portland Road has never been so long. I broke down in tears, I sat on the street cradling myself and screaming at Chris to 'fuck off' and still, he didn't. It was almost impressive. Well, looking back on it, it is.

A complete stranger was walking down the road behind us at one point and told Chris to fuck off. He said "I've been walking behind you for ages mate, and she really doesn't want you, so really mate fuck off" - or words to that effect. When Chris said "but I love her" even Mr. Stranger said "well, let her go then". Or I might have made that up - it might have been Amy. Maybe even me. I have no fucking clue.

By the time we reached my road, it took ages for me to be able to leave him because he kept me talking. When I was half way up the road, he ran up it. In the end, my mum had to come out in her PJs and walk me and Amy inside.

So after that I decided that I should be single for a while. Not least because it didn't die down for a long time. By then, he was in my friendship group so it was hard for me to get away. At one point, all my friends were out together and I was trying to talk to one person about Chris, but he came over and stopped us talking. He was flirting with me loads, being the person that I had fallen for, not the one that I had gotten to know afterwards. He ruined a lot of the time I could've spent with my friends before they and I left for uni. It could've changed how I feel about them now.. Though I'm not sure if that'd be good or not.

Then Jamie happened. A two day thing with Jamie that could hardly be classed as a thing. A panic before I went to uni; clinging to the most secure thing ever, to the Jamie. It should never have happened. But for two days, it was really fucking nice. And did help him to finish with Phoenix, which is a good thing, because that was an unhealthy relationship in similar (paranoia related, partly) ways to mine and Chris's.

I wish I hadn't hurt him like that. I wish I still had him, because I'm not sure that I do, now.

I was then single as I should've been until October, when I finally gave into these strange Viking related desires. Rachel even said it the other day, "even when the Dai thing was going on, she liked him. 'Oh, Henrik's out?.. Bye Dai...'"

OHyeah, almost forgot the Dai thing.

We 'did stuff' for a while, a few times. No idea how many times, no idea how long for. It was a terrible idea. I knew it at the time. The single thing I'm happiest hasn't happened is me sleeping with him. It was fun though, to be fair. We used to stay up till 7am watching movies and talking and taking the piss out of Bryce. We got on really well until I realised that I was right about what a wanker he is.

It's something I've been told since: our first instincts are often right, we just need to trust them. It's true.

Henrik I 'liked the look of' since day one, when he was predrinking at our flat. He thought I was a loser because of the friends I brought up (I say friends.. a girl of my course and her boyfriend. Another case where I should've trusted my instincts) - they stood in the corner being antisocial so I stood near them. Spent a lot of time talking to Mike and Luke, though, which was pretty mint.

I can't really remember how we got to know each other, I just remember getting drunk a lot throughout Fresher's. He dislocated his knee on the Wednesday, though, so we spent the night in A&E which was ever so exciting. By then, we were really friendly and got on well. He called me amazing for the first time that night. (I'm pretty sure, anyway).

For ages I pretended that I didn't think of him like that and that I thought of him as a "gay straight best friend" (subconscious attempt to replace Jamie tbh. Knew it was going to be difficult between us... Urgh stupid Cat).

I did the whole "look after a friend while chundering" for the first time with him, he was horrifically ill when we went out and he didn't eat enough beforehand. That night was the first time we slept together; he insisted that I stayed and he spooned me. He is a marvelous spooner. He bends his legs to the shape mine are in, making me feel completely like I'm being held, supported... the ultimate cuddle if I'm honest.

I gave up on that gay thing on the night of the Headphone Disco, the 15th of October. I wanted him so much that even he noticed, hah. At the time there was something in the back of my head asking if I was fucking up a good friendship, until we kissed. We went for a walk, which I wish I had been more sober for to be honest, and ended up sitting on a ruin. We kissed on that ruin, discussing how the sheep were staring at us. It was pretty romantic, really. Then again, he is.

He took me there for my birthday, lit a candle and gave me cupcakes and wine. Ooh, he is awesome.

I keep changing my mind about him. Sometimes I genuinely wonder if all the people who say "you'll get married" actually mean it, but other times I think "he'll always be a workaholic and I don't want that". Thing is, that he always will be a working person because it's all he wants from life. When he's not working, though, he makes me feel amazing. One of a kind... all of it. And because it's him, I know that it's something special; he doesn't go for just anyone.

Oh, we shall see. I just know that it'll be a very fun run, no matter how long it is :)

Still. It's been nice talking (sorry it was for so long; it wasn't intended.!)

Good night, you beautiful people.

<3

Revisited.

"
Love is putting the other person's happiness before your's.
Love is hurting yourself, your feelings, to make them happy.
Love is the ability to justify something you hated by saying "they liked it".
Love is the want to do random things for the person.
Love is small suprises and romantic notions.
Love is affection.
Love is kisses and love is hugs.
Love is want.
Love is what you know when you get.
Love is the thing that can make you happiest
Love is the thing that can hurt you most.
Love is laughing;
Love is spending time with the person talking about one thing.
Love is when you think that the person's foibles make them human..
Love is when you agree.
Love is what makes you feel good about yourself.
Love is felt to who you can tell everything to
Love is known when you don't think twice.
Love is secrets and in-jokes and friendship.
Love is what I feel for you.
"

What the fuck was I on!?

No wonder I screwed myself up, thinking like that.

Love isn't really something which can be defined. Especially like that. What would be much, much better, is finding someone who helps you out when you need it and lets you be yourself. Someone you enjoy taking care of if they need it, but someone who'll take care of you too. Stuff like that. Not the utter bollocks I appear to have believed a couple of years ago. Blimey.

(I may have become less insightful over the years..)

Bleurg.

This really sucks.

I feel like there's a gaping hole through me.

And he didn't even ask. To be fair, I told him the initial reasons why I felt crap. Maybe he thought that was all there was to it.

I guess he doesn't realise that there's so much I can't tell that I can't tell him; so much that he won't want to hear but I desperately need to talk to someone about. What Charli doesn't realise is that by calling me a slag and talking about Alec, she opened old scars. Now I just remember how much that Alec thing hurt. He kept pressuring me into loving him. Then I dived in, in the words of Taylor Swift "Head First Fearless" and it got me the most hurt that I've ever been. Every day, almost, he would ask if he was "number one" in all these different things... and as soon as I said that yes, he was, the "distance got too much", or whatever. Then I let myself hurt for two whole days. Then, despite feeling like I had been used for my body and a knowledge that he was "the best", I threw myself at other guys, only one of which I knew. Then dated the one I knew and he treated me like a friend. I wish I still had him, he was such a good friend. He was so lovely and so there for me. I ruined that. It's never been the same since and it never will be, between us. I'm almost glad that I found out about Jamie and had a bit of a breakdown. It did at least mean that I spent some time single. Admittedly, it didn't go well (see Harry Hogge for further details), but there we go. It's an experience. It's made me not trust myself, though. And kinda hate myself.

What didn't help was Dan Nisbet. He decided to blame me for almost everything going wrong in his life. He ranted at me, telling me how shit I am and how great he is, until 3am when I had a 7am start. I don't know why I stayed up. I stayed up that late talking to Alec once, but that's different.

Why do I seem to do nothing but let people who screw me over into my life?

It doesn't help anything that now there is this void, elephant in the room, when me and my mum are together. We're not talking. We're both on our computers and we don't listen to each other when we're talking. I told her about my day and she didn't listen. So I stopped.

Urgh.

Good old Carolina; she's listening now. And I know that she'll tell Chris anything that he should know. It's good to have friends who know both sides of the story, so to speak, sometimes.

oh god

i cant tell if i like him

(a lot)

or just want him

because i want /someone/

tell me

please

dont let me get all confused and worried and stuff

i dontknowidontknowidontknow

Look at this fucking person. [featurelength]

Have you ever noticed how desperate we all are for recognition? Someone to see what we are, recognise us for the people that we are. But is it really ourselves that we publish online, that we reflect in the mirror and pose to so that we can take a "MySpace photo"?

One of the things which I absolutely adore about Brighton Pride is how many people there who are completely relaxed and happy to be themselves. You walk around the streets of Brighton for a few days before and after Pride itself and all you see is happy people being themselves, talking in the sun (or rain; no one cares), listening to music, flirting, having the time of their lives. That's what i want to see all the time; it would be a hundred times better than seeing a young girl pretending to be five years older than she is, and a whole lot sexier than she will even want to be once she discovers her own identity.

I love people who are happy to be who they are, and who are strong enough to stand tall when someone slags them off. It's one of the things I admire most in anyone.

That's what, I believe, many people need to learn; you are your own person, and you don't need to perfect yourself to what other people want or expect you to be. That's what these little girls with their "sexy" profile pictures need to learn. They need to please themselves before they can even think about pleasing everyone else. Of course, people can take this too far and become selfish, but people can also go too far the other way and please everyone except themselves. You need to find the middle ground; please yourself, but don't cast aside everyone else, or you'll realise that when you need people to hold you up, you don't have them.

"Better To Be Hated Than Loved For What You're Not"
- Marina and The Diamonds; I Am Not A Robot

I may or may not, at the moment, "like like" a person who I will refer to as Duke. I got butterflies because of him the other day, but only when I was stoned. Though when I saw him for the first time in a while, I couldn't help but smile. I can't tell if I like him because of him, because he's a great person, or because he's been there for me. More importantly, I can't tell if I /don't/ like him because my friends don't like him, and I couldn't be bothered with them giving me shit; to my face or behind my back. I think I might like him....but I don't want to screw him around, I don't think that I could do anything without being sure. And damn I want butterflies before anything happens.

That's another thing I don't really agree with. You shouldn't be with someone if you're unsure of your own feelings towards that person. And, until someone proves otherwise, I am pretty sure that in 9/10 cases, when a couple (especially a teenage couple) breaks up because they "don't love each other" any more, there's probably a bad reason for them to get back together. For example, I know someone who's very out of love with his girlfriend, but hasn't broken up with her because every time he has he's been given loads of shit and her mum, sister, and she have all given him loads of shit. For example, on Facebook, her mum commented on his relationship status saying "brilliant. well done. fantastic." I understand that this mother would be feeling protective, but honestly, there is a line. Mothers should not intrude to that level. Well, that's what I think. Feel free to correct me if you think otherwise, but that is a rather strong belief of mine. If someone's Mother repeatedly does that, how will the child ever learn to fight their own battles? I don't think tht most "battles" which are fought at the moment are ones which need fighting, but I hope that you can understand what I mean when I say that.

So you beautiful people. I implore you; take a look at yourself. Take a look at those around you. I wonder what they're trying to say with how they present themselves. You ever asked, ever wondered, ever explored?
You should, I think. See where it takes you. And let me know where, if you feel like it.

Thanks. C=

"About me" (2)

So you want to know about me? I have two passions: photography and horses. I want to combine them in the future; I have aspirations. What else? I like men's boxers, lazy days and tracksuit trousers. I like spending time doing nothing, I like the feeling of returning somewhere where you can relax after a long day, I like the feeling of getting home when you're cold, wet and tired. I like people who cheer you up without meaning to. I like the little things. I like honesty. I like when people tell you that you're beautiful. I like when things seem to click together and I like when my best friends are in good moods. I like being with people I "click" with. I like meeting new people, making new friends, and getting to know random facts about random people. I like sharing things. I've never needed to be drunk to have a heart-to-heart. I like finding things that I put away somewhere to find in years. I like being given things that are important to other people. I like bracelets, necklaces and hugs from behind. I like my manly watch. I like people who you can lose yourself in the eyes of. I like kisses, cuddles, and seeing people you've missed. I like seeing bands live. I like singing along. I like people. I like people being kind, or apologising when they should, or saying "I'm sorry, but I can't do this"...I like people being honest. (As aforementioned). I like days when my mountain of homework isn't so bad, and I tackle it the only way I can; by starting. I like good moods, I like happiness, I love optimism. I like photos, videos, and finding them again years later. I like being "with the crowd"...it's not a good thing, in some ways, but it's good fun. I like my friends. I like people who are there for you. I like people wishing that they could give you a hug. I like people saying "yeah, you're good". I like people accepting compliments. I love random texts. I love Defying Gravity. I love Glee. I like seeing people I've not seen for ages, especially when there's no awkward "yeeeah" moment. I like Spaced, Green Wing and Black Books. I like random walks to nowhere. I like talking to people that everyone else thinks is awesome, and finding out why they think so. I love Yvan Rodic. I like getting on with people. I like clicking with people you never thought you'd click with. I like when people learn that there's a reason you're changing. I like acceptance. I like nights out and nights in. I like lazy days, and I like lazy evenings after active, fun days. I like new bands, old bands, and support acts. I like things which are so memorable that you /actually/ remember them three years later. I like memories you'd practically forgotten. I like new things. I like pretty dresses, skirts, and big boots. I like my hoody. I like spending a day wearing the same clothes then showering, changing, and feeling beautiful. I like the days when you walk down the road and feel right with the world. I like seeing people and thinking "actually, I don't miss you". I like when people let you move on.
Of course there are things I don't like, too, but that's unimportant.